Use the journey

I've noticed that I can be very focused on what's wrong at a particular time in my life. I get down or I get stressed or something is bugging me and it consumes everything. I know it'll all work out eventually, I'm just not good at waiting for the working out to happen. I constantly fixate on what I want to happen in the future but I want the future to be now. Doing this only makes the problem seem bigger in my head. It makes me feel worse about whatever it is that is bringing me down. In short, it's bad for me.

Now I've realised this I need to try and change it. I know it's not good for me so I have to try and get into good habits. I see a lot of messages out there telling me that it's the journey that matters. Having heard it a lot from my biggest inspirations, I kind of believe it. However, I haven't quite got to the point where I've experienced enough to really know that I need to just try and appreciate the journey. I think that remembering to use the journey and what it will bring me will help me a lot.

Recently I've just not been happy. I don't particularly have a reason for the unhappiness, I just know I'm not right. But today I realised that part of my unhappiness is being caused by not knowing exactly the reason for the unhappiness. I don't have an end product that I can focus on so I'm not happy. Maybe I'm meant to be missing that, though. Maybe I need to go through this period of unhappiness to find what I need to find out without knowing it beforehand. Something has to come out of every experience, I just need to realise that I won't always know what I'll get out of it. That's good.

If I can use the journey then I can focus on becoming who I want to be. I can focus on what I need and want to do. I can focus on my life in the present instead of constantly looking towards what will be. I need to focus on what is.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's such a broad and universal question, isn't it? When you're young you're asked it all the time. But being "grown up" is such a far off, unattainable thing that it doesn't really matter what you say. If you say a cowboy or princess then people think you're cute, if you say a doctor or a writer then people might be impressed but they'll probably also find it cute more than anything. It just doesn't really matter what you say because you're a little kid, the future doesn't feel like it'll ever come.

For me now, the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" has a completely different meaning. Being grown up doesn't feel far away any more. It feels tangible. Growing up was such a far away thing only a few years a go but suddenly I feel like I truly am growing up. I'm not growing up in the "you're getting so big" way, I'm growing up in the intellectual way. I feel like I'm becoming an adult, ready or not. It feels like it's now. It's present. It's happening and that's scary as hell. 

Now, if someone says they want to be a doctor, it's impressive because I know how much it takes. If someone tells me they want to be an actor I know how slim the chances are. If someone is getting a job, I think about what it will actually mean. My perspective has changed a lot. 

Of course I still feel like a kid playing grown up. Maybe I always will, maybe that's how it's meant to be. Maybe I'm not meant to be feeling grown up, maybe I'm meant to still feel like a child. All I know is that growing up feels like it's happening. But it's okay.

Season of waiting

Right now I feel as if I'm simply in a season of waiting. It's felt like this for quite some time now: I'm waiting to go on my next adventure, to have the freedom I desire and to finally start the process of becoming what I desire. One thing I never counted on when entering this season was the exhausting difficulty of waiting. It constantly feels like I'm almost there but not quite close enough to reach the goals I am heading towards, I'm just stuck with them out of my reach.

Within the waiting there is much preparation. Preparation to get me there but seemingly no progress. It almost feels like I have no direction and a very clear direction at the same time. Going through the motions is alright, until it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to stop going through the motions. Planning to get there is alright, until it feels like I'm never going to get there. Waiting is alright, until it feels like it is all I ever do.

At the same time, I feel like things are hurtling towards me. Times of happiness are present in my life and I am very thankful for that. However, there are also times of uncertainty, of the future looming around the corner ready to change everything. It's always present in my life, it's just not fully arrived yet. A change is coming, whether I like it or not, I can see it yet not quite reach it.

The conflicting feelings and overwhelming sense of movement soon is hard to take but they are part of this section of my journey and so I must take them and I must go and use the knowledge they give me through the rest of my life. I know I need to go through this season, just like every other season I have, and will, experience. It won't be easy but it'll be good for me.

"There are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they become 17

I know these will all be stories someday,
and our pictures will become old photographs,
and we'll all become someone's mum or dad,
but right now,
these moments are not stories, this is happening.
I am here and I am looking at her and she is so beautiful.
I can see it, this one moment when you know you are not a sad story"

This quote kind of sums up everything I know about life. We are all stories, we will all change and become something new, something we never thought we were capable of, something we always knew we would be but never really thought about. It's about the future and the past and how the past shapes us as the future will when it comes. But right now, we should be here in the moment. We are not sad stories, we are stories with ups and downs that make them so beautiful.

"and in that moment, we were infinite"
      - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today I saw the newly released film: The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I loved it so much. I'd previously read the book and simply couldn't wait to see the film, especially as the writer o the book was also the writer and director of the film. I just have to say, the film was so amazing and so inspirational to me. I think it effected and inspired me more than the book did, quite an achievement since I've always preferred books to films. I also feel like having the same writer for both mediums allowed us to see sides of the characters that aren't mentioned in the book come to life.

I think there's something about Perks that can only be truly felt through the magic of cinema and sound. The music plays such a huge part in both versions but the only way this story can really come alive is through the actual sound of the music and both seeing and feeling the way the characters feel because of this music. The characters of Sam and Patrick are so larger than life that they demand to be seen off the page. Logan mirrors every introverted, geeky teenager in one way or another and the way he is acted is spot on in showing this. The other, more minor characters are so much more recognizable and distinct through film. The way every character in this film is portrayed is one of the main reasons why I think the film stood out to me.

In all, I think that Perks shows every teenager that no matter how messed up things can become, you can find the peace and happiness in your life through the people around you if you truly try. It shows how people who have been messed up earlier on in life can find their own distinct group, their people who know their past but accept and support them. It shows how you only need a few people who really do love and care about you for things to be okay. In the end you're left with the feeling that sometimes things are bad but eventually they will mostly be good.

I feel like the film of Perks has changed me in a way and I'm so glad I let it.

The journey of growing up

Right now I'm feeling a whole mix of things about the future and what it will bring for me and my relationships. I know that life will ultimately work out for me, whether it's the way I want it to be right now or not but at the same time I feel so scared and so unsure about what's coming. I know how unlikely it is that the future I want right now will come to me, yet I can't stop myself hoping that this will happen. Then I feel like I'm stupid and naive for hoping this when I know that I probably won't get it. Add to that a paralyzing fear of what will actually happen when the future actually comes and I'm just a mess of I don't knows. My feelings and my knowledge are so contradictory.

I'm starting to think that that is just the way that life is sometimes. Maybe these feelings are part of growing up, part of maturing into my own person and becoming an independent person who has to sort all their own problems and relationships out on their own. I know that that's the destination of this journey, it's where I must go eventually, it's just the journey that will take some navigation. The journey will be hard and will bring a lot of emotional turmoil, probably heartbreak of some sort. It's scary. So scary. But I'll get through it. This journey will change me, it will make me a new person, a better person.

It''s all in the journey.

We merely co-existed, Almost met but always missed it, Spinning round like two sides of a coin.

This quote is from a poem by Sarah and Phil Kay/e about how they met. How they've had such similar lives, always being in the same place at the same time but just missing each other. Today I started thinking about just how many people we pass in our lives.

You see so many faces daily, so many people doing so many things. How many people's homes do we pass a day? How many people's livelihood do we pass? How many people's pictures are we in the background of? We are all so connected yet so unaware of it.

Little routines like travelling to school, travelling home from work and eating your lunch are shared by so many. We may all do them in slightly different ways but we still share them in beautiful synchronization. Yet we merely co-exist in them. We have our own little world of people to share our day-to-day life with but how many other people do we share this with? How many people do we merely co-exist around?

Maybe one of the people we merely co-exist with will one day become the most important person in our world. Maybe you're meant to be friends with that person always sat one table away at lunch. Maybe we're just meant to spin round like too sides of a coin, be in each other's world but at the same time never really notice it. There are infinite possibilities. We should leave ourselves open to them because who knows what might happen with one of the strangers we pass by.

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are grey,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I love this song. It's stuck in my head ever since I learnt it in school when I was six. If you really think about the words you can see how it's a song telling someone how much you love them and how much they mean to you. It's all about love. It's all about showing someone your feelings. It's all about the impact one person can have on your life. It's simple but simplicity is what creates the most beautiful things in the world.

However, I believe that it is possible to have more than one sunshine in your life. More importantly, I think you must allow yourself to have more than one sunshine. Sunshines come in the form of any person who is near and dear to you. The song is designed to be sung about the love of your life but I think that it could (and should) also be applied to any truly good friend who you can't live without.

The sun is a star after all and there are many stars in the sky. Stars are what you need in your life. Stars will make you happy when skies are grey. When you can't find the right words to express how much you love someone you know you have found one of your stars.

Tu me manques

I've seen on tumblr that this phrase is the french equivalent to the phrase "I miss you" but apparently it is closer to "you are missing from me". I think this is so beautiful and a much better way of saying that you miss someone. You are missing from me. You are a part of me. I can only be whole when we're together. I function my best when you are with me.

It's true. If you really really have a strong love with someone then it feels like they complete you. Therefore, when they are not there you feel like a part of you is missing.

Tu me manques. You are missing from me. It's the best way to tell someone how much you love them and how you're feeling when they're not there and you wish there were.

Choosing to be happy

I see this argument that you can choose to be happy around all the time and I don't fully believe it. Yes I think we have some control over how we feel, I do think that the way we look at things can have a big difference. However, I also think that there are many other factors that can affect your emotions more than your own thoughts.

The people around you can impact your emotions greatly. Whether you admit it or not, what people say to and/or about you affects your mood. Humans are social creatures and we all have at least one person who we really do want approval from. We can work towards being completely independent but at the end of the day I believe that other people will always have an impact on our lives.

Sometimes there are conditions that stop us being happy, it could be a mental health issue or having bad mood swings. That's an accepted part of life and in those dark times I don't think you can just decide to change your emotions. It takes time and sometimes professional help to get through them, you can't just turn those things off. It's simply impossible to turn of your emotions, sometimes they just demand to be felt.

However, the way you view a situation in your life can change a lot. Trying to see the positive effect that any change can have on your life rather than fully focusing on the negatives. You can't choose happiness but you can deal with unhappiness by deciding to try to feel better and do your best to help yourself through it.

Equality for disability

I believe that people should be treated for what they are and not other people's perceptions or judgments on them. We all judge others and that's completely natural. However I think we need to remember that our first judgments are usually wrong. We tend to either under estimate or over estimate people and see them as more than they are. However, I think that snap judgments based on a person's physical abilities or disabilities are the worst misjudgments possible. If you automatically think that someone with any kind of disability is "amazing" or "inspirational" just because they live like everyone else only with a disability or special need then you're being unfair to the person.

When people think that a picture of a child with downs syndrome on tumblr deserves a lot of notes simply because they have downs syndrome, it gets to me. Honestly, I don't think it's right. Yes, the child's cute but just because they have a disability doesn't mean that a picture of them doing something a child without disability would do deserves any more notes than this child. You might think that you're promoting inclusion or spreading a good message but really you're not: you're making the child become their disability. That's not inclusion, that's putting them on a pedestal that they are only on because of their disability. I can only think that doing that promotes completely the wrong image of disability in society.

I saw this a lot with the paralympics: paralympic athletes are called inspiring even before they've won anything whereas an olympic athlete has to achieve to be labelled as inspiring. That isn't equality. Equality is treating everyone the same no matter what they have to overcome in order to get to where they want to go.

Of course I think that people who choose to make the most of life when they have to live with a very hard disability are amazing, but I also think that people who choose to make the most of life no matter what are amazing. Of course I think a child with downs syndrome is cute, but I also think that any other child is cute. As a society we need to get better at recognizing the person behind the disability and not letting a disability take a person's identity over completely.

I just have this feeling...

Recently I've just not been feeling right in myself. I don't really have a reason for not feeling right but tonight I think I've at least been able to put a name to it; something I'm not able to do easily most of the time. The most prominent feeling in my mind right now seems to be one of unrest. This feeling doesn't seem justified: things are more or less the same as they have been for the last year or so, I can't see any change to my life other than growing a year older.

Along with this feeling there's a longing to move on and start the process of life beyond the same people, places and lessons that I've been around for as long as I remember. I'm tired of looking to the future, preparing for it and yet not having it quite within my reach. I have this naive yearn for everything  to just be exactly how I want it to be right now without having to work. I want what I want but I just want it now. I know that sounds like I'm a big spoilt brat who just wants what she can't have. Maybe that's exactly who I am, even though it's not who I want to be.

After saying that, I do have to say that I know that nothing will ever be exactly how how I want it to be: life's not perfect. It will take work to get my life near to what I want it to be right now, it'll always take work to get what I want. I just have to want it enough to work for it.

Maybe this feeling is just me getting tired of working. I don't know. I just know that I have to keep on going and so that's what I'll do.

Looking at it a different way

Today was my first day back at school and I was absolutely dreading it. For the first time in my life I just wasn't looking forward to any part of going back to school: I'd had a great summer and didn't want it to end. Last night when I'd finally dragged myself to do the reading set for summer homework I was still dreading going back today. However, part way through I was struck with this sense of motivation, I couldn't place what I was motivated for, I just felt motivated to do something. When I finished the reading I actually felt good and it was only then that I realized that I actually loved learning about new things. I just felt motivated to learn and realized that I had missed learning without knowing it at all.

I'd felt this feeling before but I've never really been able to identify it until yesterday, it's usually a fleeting feeling that doesn't last to what I really want to do. I found it did last today though and I found that I did enjoy the lessons in school, I liked learning new information. I think I've probably felt this before, I've just not consciously thought about it and the fact that this feeling is conscious this year makes it better. It almost allows me to appreciate the reason behind the feeling and I love that. I was looking at the day in a completely different way and it helped, it really did

This feeling made the first day of school better than it could have been. I had a new way of looking at the reason I was there and it didn't make it too bad. Looking at things you don't want to do in a new way  can make them better, you might even enjoy it. I'm going to do my best to do this in the future when I'm facing anything I'm really reluctant or unhappy about doing. Your state of mind may not be all it takes to make things better but I truly believe that looking at things in a new way can at least help a lot.

Love

Love is a powerful thing. It spawns a huge range of emotions: happiness, hurt and madness. When you love someone, really truly love another person in your life it is one of the greatest gifts of all. Love can come in so many forms: family, friends or partners and each person you love becomes a part of you and you a part of them. There are just those people who you know are special in your life, you just know when you're spending time with them.

Love can also hurt A LOT. Saying goodbye to loved ones sucks more than anything else. Loosing love you once had is so horrible and such a great loss. When a loved one is hurting in can hurt you as much as they are hurting. However, these things are an unfortunate necessity in everyone's life.

Ultimately, though, it's worth it. Love always comes out on top. If you have love you have everything you need to be happy.

I'm kinda awesome

Yesterday this thought just kind off popped into my head in the middle of the day. This made me realize that I actually do like my personality right now. I am happy with the person I have become in the past year or so and I am thankful for the people who have made me into this person. There are still some things that I would change about parts of myself, as an overall person, I like who I am right now. It's taken quite a journey to get here but it's been one of the most worthwhile and important journeys I've ever been on.

However, at first when I thought this I stopped myself and thought "no, that's me being big headed". I think that is one thing that has stopped my before: the impression that actually liking myself and seeing the good in me is a bad quality to have. There's a big message sent out in society that you're only a good person if you don't believe it. Even one of the most popular songs this year contains the lyrics "you don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful". Society just seems to send out this message too often and, honestly, this is one of the reasons I think that people, especially girls, put themselves down too often.

But thanks to some inspirational and amazing people who have come into my life and shown me that it is okay to actually like myself and kickstarted this journey to getting to this point. Yes it was an individual journey that I had to go on on my own but a few people really helped me along the way and I am eternally grateful for them.

I know that this realization will make me more confident and help me walk a little taller. I really believe that if more people tried to like themselves more then the world would be a much happier and much better place to live in. All you need to do is realize that you deserve to like and be kind to yourself, it's a great thing to feel.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you

This phrase is one I've seen around a lot recently and, while I agree that it is important, I don't think it's as simple as it seems. I do have people in my life who inspire me but I also feel like i see most of the people in my life as peers who aren't really inspirational. To me, this isn't ideal and I've spent a lot of time recently wishing I could find more people to be my friends who truly inspire me but not knowing how to change it. I was just feeling a bit stuck, hoping for things to improve in the future but not really doing anything to help myself.

Today I suddenly thought, I don't have to change the people around me, I only have to change the way I look at the people around me. The people around me may not all be the type who are classically and consciously inspirational, but there are definitely inspirational things about them. The amazing way the playleader at volunteering is able to calm down the children when they need it, the way my boyfriend is loyal and loving towards everyone, the way that my friends are what they are without apologizing and the way that the children I volunteer with can be cheered up immediately by the smallest thing. These are all inspiring qualities, things that I look up to and aspire to achieve. I just need to have the mindset that lets me see these qualities.

So from now on I'm going to make a conscious effort to notice these qualities in the people I'm around every day. People are inspirational in their nature, you just have to choose to see it in them. Maybe, by choosing to see this, you are able to not only be happier in your own life but also attract more of the people who you want to surround yourself with. See the beauty and more beauty will find you one day.

My journey to loving myself

A while a go I decided to start making a conscious effort to love and know myself better. I was on a mission to be the source of my own happiness and become my own best friend. I wanted to accept myself fully and unconditionally. A bit after that I realized that I do need other people in order to be happiest, I can't do it all on my own. I found that I needed love from other people in my life in order to really be able to start loving myself. It was good for me to realize this, I still wanted to accept and love myself more, I just found that I needed other people. Instead of embarking on a one woman solo journey I knew that I needed to bring people along on the journey with me.

I'm still very much on the journey to loving and accepting myself and I think it'll be a lifelong journey. But I know that the journey is, and will always be, the most important part of any change within and around myself. I've also come to realize that the decision I made to go on this journey was a huge step in the right direction. Before I made the conscious decision I was unconsciously on the journey. I believe that everyone is at some point on the path to acceptance and love of themselves, whether they know it or not, it's human nature.

I think that consciously saying "I want to improve my opinion of myself" shows that you have got to a place where they are aware of what you want your happiness to be. What I thought was the first step on the journey of loving myself may have been the most important step but I don't think it was the first. I think before then I was trying to change myself in order for acceptance but now I'm trying to accept myself without changing anything other than my mindset.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

—	Anna Quindlen

Home

"Is it possible that home can be a person, rather than a place?"
When I first saw this question my immediate answer was "yes". For me, home isn't a place: it's a very specific person, at one point it was a very specific group of people and at one point it was a place, it still is to an extent. This question made me really think about the reality of home and what the word really means. I think that everyone is in search of a home, maybe finding a home is really all anyone's true goal is. I also think that everyone has a different perception of what home is, it's a universal thing with millions of definitions.

I think that home is probably more of a feeling than a place, the feeling you get when something just feels completely and utterly right. Home is a unique state, something that is different to different people and something that changes throughout a person's lifetime. That's kind of beautiful really: how we can constantly find new homes find new places to belong throughout your life.
Right now my home is literally where my heart is, it's with the person I love the most. However, I also call the house and town that I grew up in my home, probably because I have never lived anywhere else. There is also an element of home in me when I'm doing the work that I love with the children who never fail to impact my life in such a huge way. I have one true home home but many other places that I feel at home.

I figure that all the different homes you accumulate over a life time make you exactly who you are in the end. Homes become embedded into you they shape you into the person you are more than anything else.

Please Listen: a poem

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people – because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try
to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you

-Unknown

I found this poem in Chicken Soup of the Teenage Soul, it's actually taught me a lot. I realized that I try to fix people's problems too much when they probably just want to be heard and understood, so I'm going to try and listen more than fix. I think a lot of people could learn from this poem too, it has a great message and that's why I'm sharing it!

Thoughts on saying goodbye to loved ones

In a way, goodbyes have been prominent in my life at the moment. With a combination of people I love and will miss going on holiday and the goodbyes that I know are just around the corner next year when I'm off to Uni, I've been thinking (and worrying) about them a lot. Saying goodbye to someone you love dearly is always horrible, even if it's only for a week or so it can be heart breaking. They're never permanent, I know the person/people I'm saying goodbye to will always be in my life in some way yet I still let myself be very affected by goodbyes.

However, I'm not sure that this is really a bad quality to have. It shows that I care a lot about people and that I have wonderful love in my life. I know that I would much rather care about and get emotional when I have to say goodbye to those I love than not have that love in my life. It's a blessing to have people who I love so much that saying goodbye hurts.

As well as this, I've noticed that, when you have to say goodbye to the people you love the most, you end up telling them how much they mean to you. Goodbyes are a good opportunity to truly let people know just how much they really do mean to you and express your love in the best way you know how. Goodbyes help you to say things that you might need to say to your loved ones.

Also, after the goodbyes are over and once you get to the hellos again it is the best feeling in the world. Seeing your loved one after an absence helps you to realize how much you love them, it's good for your relationships. It really is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Goodbyes are hard but maybe, at least sometimes, they're for the best.