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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Sunday, 21 August 2011

BEDA Day 21: Yeah

Today would have been my dad's birthday. It sounds bad but it hasn't affected me that much. I think about my dad every day and will for the rest of my life. It was kind of just a normal day for me.

I do want to do something with my experience when I lost my dad, though. I want to do something to help me and others who are going through similar things to what I went through. I had planned on creating a website where people could just share their experiences and talk to each other and help each other through loosing family members. I had (and still have) the support of one of my best friends with this, he was going to help me set the site up but we've just not organised anything yet. Partly because of this, I don't know if I want to make a site anymore.

Recently I've been thinking about writing it down. I kind of want to do a Julia Albain and write the book I wish I had when I lost my dad. I want to write about my experiences in the hope that people will read it and it will help them get through it.

Honestly, this year is the first year I think I've allowed myself to properly think about my dad. I didn't deal with it when it happened, I just got on with it. I can't remember a lot of what happened around that time. I think I blocked a lot out. I didn't talk about it with anyone, I just carried on with life. I didn't deal with it. This year I started to. I feel like this year is the first time I actually dealt with it. I've grown up. I don't remember thinking about my dad much in previous years, I think I must have, I just don't think I allowed it to be as big of a part of my life. I just blocked it out. But this year I know I've thought about it a lot. I don't know why, maybe I was just finally ready. Maybe this year was the right year for me to deal with it. I think I have. Of course, I'll never be over it. He will always be a part of me, if he wasn't I wouldn't be me.

I just want some kind of closure I think. I want to get my experiences out in the best way I know: writing. I think that's what I want to do. I want to write it all down and get it out there. I want to talk to people who've lost parents as well, I never got the chance to do that. Maybe, through writing it down I will find that, I hope I will. I just need somewhere that I can do that. Somewhere that I can write and talk to others. Talking to others like me was all I wanted when I was going through it. Someone who'd been through or was going through the same things and would understand. It's all I want now. I think I need to make that for myself.  That's the only way I'll get it.

I know this post was a mess, I'm a mess right now but it's what I needed to say so I said it. In conclusion, I need to help myself by helping others (I think).

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