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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Monday, 19 December 2011

It's that time of year

Christmas time is great. It's cheerful and happy and a time when you can snuggle up inside and have fun. But it's always kind of depressing for me. As I'm sure it is for many other people.

If you don't know my dad died in early January 2007. Over Christmas time 2006 he was very ill and we knew he was going to die soon. Fortunately, he could come home for Christmas day and we had a great day with family, just how Christmas should be.

But ever since then Christmas has been a bit bitter sweet for me. There's always the reminder of that last Christmas my dad was here, the last time he was at home. Naturally it's got easier over the years and I think about my dad every day but it'll never be easy at Christmas. There'll always be a bit of sadness in me over this time of the year.

Maybe that's good. Maybe it helps me appreciate the good times I have and it helps me to see how lucky I am. Maybe Christmas is a time for remembrance and being a bit sad.

I do know that I want to do something with this experience. I've known it for years. I don't know how and I don't know what. I just know that I want to help others who are in the same situation as I was. At this time in my life I didn't have anyone who was my age who was willing to talk to me about what was happening, who understood a little bit of what I was going through. I want to give that to other people. The only problem is that I don't know how to do that. I know I want to do it and have known for years, I just don't know what format to do it in. Also, I don't think I have time to do it right now. My willingness is there, I just don't know if it is possible or if I can physically do it.

Maybe it's something I'll do one day. Maybe it's something that will happen when it is meant to. Maybe I'll never get round to it. Hopefully it'll happen someday.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

No regrets

I'm really happy right. Happy with my life and happy with myself. I might not be happy with my school life but that is just one small part of my life and, overall, I'm happy. It's good. I'm lucky.

There are many many reasons for this, I'm not going to bore you with them. But I know that I couldn't feel this way if the way my past was had been different. My past has made me who I am today, every moment of my life has determined this one. I just know I couldn't be me now if even one little thing was different in the past 16 and a bit years. It's hard to fully explain but something I've been thinking about a lot so I'm going to try and do my best to say what I mean

For quite a few years I've had the view that I have no regrets. I know that having this view might make me sound cliched or like I've not made any mistakes and had a perfect life but I haven't. I've had hard times, been embarrassed by my own actions and felt guilty about things. But ultimately, these things have made me who I am today. Yes, I wish some things hadn't have happened but I don't know who I'd be if they hadn't, I don't know what my life would be like now if I hadn't have gone through what I have. This makes me think that I'm almost happy that I experienced most of these things because, right now, I'm happy with me. I'm happy with my life. Other people might not be, but I am.

I've heard people say "I wish I'd had x, y, z, at this time in my life" and I just think, if you did, you wouldn't be you. If you had what you wanted in your hardest time then you don't know what you'd be like now. The worst year of your life was hard and terrible but without it you wouldn't know as much as you do now. You'd be clueless about that particular issue and you couldn't help people who are similar to you now. No one deserves to suffer as much as some people do but, most of the time, suffering creates a better people, suffering creates people who can give others what they need. In the end, you got through your hard times, you had everything you needed, it was hard but you managed and now you can be what other people need.

Maybe this is a naive way of looking at things but I believe that your hard experiences are what will give you the best things. Hard years might create the best friendships. Without that year you may not have known how strong you are. Or how many people cared about you.

Everything you experience makes you you and you are perfect.

Saturday, 3 December 2011

A few words stolen from Julia Albain that I couldn't not share

I love the changing of seasons.  I love people in general.  I love families of all kinds.  I love getting close to people, the comfort of knowing their little secrets... and them knowing mine.  I love laughter and dancing and music and the amazing feeling of creating something massive out of the efforts of many.  I love cheesy inspirational quotes, and I love making people feel better.  I love making people laugh when they are sad.  I love laughing in general.  I love being teased, because I think it means you truly love and respect me.  I love this life.  I love the surprises.  I love it all.