Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

BEDA Day 31: Last Day!

It's the last day of August! I can't believe it's here already! As short a month as it's seemed, lot has happened in August. One thing I do know is that this month, I've changed. I like how I've changed though, so it's all good! This month I've grown up. I've become more sure of what I want to be and, with that more confused about some things in the future. It's good confusion though, I think it's the kind of confusion I should have. When I was very set in my path it was boring. I don't think I was happy. Now I'm happy saying "I want to do this general thing and experience whatever on the way" I guess it just suits me more!

Volunteering has been a huge part of my month and it's helped me with so many things. It's helped me realize what I want to do. It's also helped me develop my skills with children. I'm so much more comfortable interacting with children after this month, I understand different ways to get through to them now. I can tell them off! That's something I never thought I'd be able to do! I feel like volunteering has also made me slightly more comfortable in social situations. I still am and will always be an awkward turtle but the fact that I went to volunteering not knowing anyone I'd be working with and, although I didn't make any really good friends, I managed to get along with the people I was working with and I wasn't miserable. That's an achievement for me!

This month I've also become more confident at blogging. It's something I was going away from but a combination of doing BEDA and reading Julia Albain's blogs/book has made me love blogging. I really have grown to love it. As many times as I've thought "I really can't be bothered" this month, I've managed to put something out everyday. They weren't all about actual stuff but I have written something in this blog everyday for a month. I'm proud of that.

I'm pretty sure I had a lot more to say in this blog but, as always, I can't remember it!

By the way:

  • I have now listened to Holiday Club by Jim and the Povolos over 30 times
  • I am completely obsessed and in love
  • As predicted I had a big blog in my head about Julia Albain at 1am in the morning
  • That always happens
  • I want to blog tomorrow but I feel like I need a day off

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

BEDA Day 30: This is what happens when I just write

Wow! It's the second to last day of BEDA! I can't believe it's nearly the end of August tomorrow! I'm not going to go into an end of August blog because that's what I'm planning for tomorrow.

Today has just been an internet and hairdressers day. Literally, all I've done today that hasn't been on the computer is go to the hairdressers. The hairdressers is always fun. It takes about 2 hours for my hair because I get it re-dyed and cut and stuff and that takes a long time! I always seem to go through the same thought process when my hair is being washed, it goes something like this: ohwowthisissocomfortable-okaydon'tfallasleep-keepyoureyesclosedbutdon'tfallasleep-ohcoolshejustsplatteredwateronmyface-Iwonderifthatwaterhadanyhairdyein-IbetIhaveredsplattersonmyfacenow-ohwowIlikethemassagebitofthis-mahncouldn'tthathavelastedlonger-okaymyneckhurtsnow. Yeah, I was going to tweet that but it's too long so I put it here.

Also, this video
Just that. Watch it, fall in love with it. That is real music there. It's amazing. It kind of takes my breath away a little bit. To read a little more of me fangirling over it go here
Okay, links over!

Also today I read everything on the Julia Albain tag on tumblr, got some pen pals and spilt tea on (and possibly burnt) my leg. Fun times.

I'm sorry my penultimate blog wasn't very interesting but I honestly didn't have anything to say! I bet I'll think of something in the middle of the night but oh well, this'll have to do!

Monday, 29 August 2011

BEDA Day 29: Love Day

Today has been one of those days where my brain just goes *BLAHBLAHBLAH-ILOVESTARKIDSOMUCH-BLAHBLAHBLAH-OMGILOVETHISFANDOMSOMUCH-BLAHBLAHBLAH-OMFGTHESEPEOPLE-BLAHBLAHBLAH-HOWCANWORDSBESOACCURATE-BLAHBLAHBLAH-JULIAALBAINILOVEYOUUU-BLAHBLAHBLAH-ILOVETHISFANDOMLIKEALOTALOT-BLAHBLAHBLAH* over and over. Also, if you read all of that and didn't just skip to this point I love you. It's just been a love day for me I guess. It's weird, last week I was pretty depressed but over this weekend I've kind of stopped and become more me. I'm thinking it's hormones. Yup, I'm blaming it on hormones! Being a teenage girl means you can do that!

I think all this love came from seeing the livestream last night. It really made me re-realise my immense love for this fandom. Unfortunately I couldn't watch a lot of the fan charity livestream due to our guests but I was able to watch the last 2 hours on my iPod last night. The main things they did while I was watching was the auction and they slushie'd each other. The amount they managed to raise was amazing! On the auction alone they managed to make $474, plus other money they were donating from tweets etc. I think the total is over $500. That is so amazing. It just shows how we can make a difference. These amazing girls stayed up for 24 hours to help raise money for a cause that people they love and admire have chosen to support. The fact that fans are willing to do that is just so amazing to me. I swear, I love the people in this fandom almost as much as I love the people it's centered around. Maybe it's the same in other fandoms, I've never been a part of a fandom until Starkid, but there is such an overwhelming sense of community that surrounds Team StarKid. It never fails to blow me away. I love it so much.

For some reason today I had a big surge of Julia-love. If you've ever properly talked about StarKid with me then you'll know that I absolutely love and adore Julia Albain. Ever since I read her book I have been a little bit obsessed with her, her writing and her views on life. I feel like she is what I want to be, I almost feel like she is how I would be if I had been born and raised in America. Her writing is wonderful and inspiring. Ordering Julia Albain's book was one of the best things I've ever done, it changed my life. Since reading it I have been more inspired to write. It's also made me more accepting of learning. For some reason, it just made me want to know more, not more about anything in particular, just more information. The book just kind of opened my eyes to new things and made me want to experience more. It lives by my bed and I dip into it whenever I'm feeling down or confused. It's almost become my handbook and I know I will take it with me everywhere. I would love to meet Julia Albain. I don't know how much I'd be able to say to her if I actually met her, I want to talk to her but I've built her up so much in my head I don't know how I would react. I want to be able to talk to her so much. She offers acting/writing/life coaching and, if I ever need it I might have to contact her about it, I almost want to try to write a book so I can get her advice on it but I know that's unfair so I won't do it.

So yeah, today I was just feeling the StarKid love and decided to blog about it!  

Sunday, 28 August 2011

BEDA Day 28

I'm so tired. These past 2 days I have been so tempted to not blog. But I know that if I miss a day I won't be able to say that I successfully did BEDA. That's something I want. I want to have the achievement of having blogged every day for a month. It's something that I said I would do so I'm doing it, I need to finish it to prove myself I can do it.

Today I am tired, as I said at the start of tgis blog. The people who are staying have always been pretty tiring but, for one reason in particular, they're more exhausting this time. I don't know how much to put out there. I'm not going to fully go into it today, I might sometime but not today. If you know me in real life you've probably heard me rant about this subject, its something that's been bothering me for a while. I'm not meaning to be super secret about this I just don't know how much would be sensible to put out there for everyone to see. If you want to hear me rant a lot tell me and I might but I'm not going to bother you with it here.

In other news, today I have been thinking a lot about fandoms again. StarKid are holding charity events this weekend and the way it's been supported by the fans has really got me thinking. There is a 24 hour live stream going on right now in order to raise money for the charity and they're doing auctions and stuff for it. Seeing this shows me how amazing a group of people can be. I honestly think that the community surrounding StarKid profuctions is almost, if not more, amazing as the people themselves.

Our guests are going home tomorrow so there will hopefully be some better blogging going on tomorrow. Sorry for the short, not so good ones but I had to do them!

Saturday, 27 August 2011

BEDA Day 27

I don't really have anything I want/need to talk about today. As predicted I'm writing this from my iPod so its probably going to be a short one.

There is a lot I could say but, honestly, I can't really be bothered. I'm tired from volunteering and being sociable with a certain person is very tiring. I have to say though, somehow wearing my StarKid sunglasses is helping. It probably sounds like I'm being over poetic but there's something about sitting in the car when some people are being difficult and remembering you have your StarKid glasses on. Maybe it's because StarKid is connected to so many different memories for me. Maybe it's because that group of people never fail to cheer me up. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things. All I know is that I'd probably be a lot more annoyed and upset without them. They give me something else to think about. StarKid truly are something special.

Friday, 26 August 2011

BEDA Day 26: Volunteering

As you'll know if you've followed my blog for a while, I've been volunteering this August. When I grow up I want to be a special needs teacher. I have gone through quite a journey to realize this though...

Last year I decided I wanted to be a drama therapist so I set up my work experience at a local special school as those would be the kind of people I'd want to work with. I wasn't expecting to love it as much as I did. It was just a natural thing for me. I loved the kids, the environment and the work I got to do. So I decided I wanted to be a teacher with special interests in children with special needs.

To gain experience I decided to start volunteering. I helped at a local after school club September to January but didn't like it as much. I liked the children, it just wasn't as good as the special school and didn't seem as easy. I stuck by my goal though and decided to volunteer with a play scheme this August for special needs children. That is what my August has been and I've loved it! Today was the last day of the play scheme which is why I'm blogging about it today. I have absolutely loved it. I've said that before but I did. Again, it just kind of came naturally to me. I don't know why but somehow, children with special needs are easier to me. They're more of a challenge, but it's a fun challenge. You're always learning, you have to find new ways of communicating with people since a lot of them can't talk. It's just fun to me.

Volunteering has done a lot for me. I've become more confident with children, having more experience helps so much. I have picked up bits of sign language which is something I really want to carry on with. The whole experience of volunteering is great, there's nothing in it for you (other than experience) but it's helping people and that may be the best feeling in the world.

This blog was eh, more all over the place than usual and may not have made sense but I had to say what I said so I did. Yup.

Basically: I finished volunteering today and it was amazing but tiring and I'm now more clear of what I want to do. Also, volunteering is great, you should do it. I just said that in more words.

I have come to the conclusion that I definitely want to work with children with special needs.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

BEDA Day 25: Results

Well, I got my results. After a night and morning of nervousness I headed into school to wait some more and receive my results. I'm pleased! I got : 
  • Music - B
  • Psychology - A
  • Maths - A
  • Spanish - B
  • Drama - B (no idea how that happened)
  • RS - A (no idea how that happened either)
  • AIDA - Credit (equivalent to a B)
  • Biology - A
  • Chemistry - A*
  • Physics - A
  • English Lit - B
  • English Lang - A
I'm happy with that. I got As in all the subjects I want to do next year, got a lot better than I thought I would in Drama and didn't get any Cs! I wouldn't have been disappointed if I got a C, I was expecting one. For that reason I am happy about it! The best thing is, none of my friends were disappointed so we were all riding a high. We decided to go back to smart arse friend's house, since it was empty and none of us had anything else to do! However, on the way there smart arse friend (who managed to get all As and A*s, there's a reason for that name) discovered that she had to be back at school in 45 mins for a smart people picture. Instead of getting to her house and then coming out again, we went back to school and waited for a bit. During the photos everyone in our group who wasn't a smart arse just kind of chilled until a woman with a camera wanted to film someone fake taking out their results from an envelope we didn't get. Naturally, I stepped back. Crazy crazy haired friend ended up using fringed friend's results (she'd gone home and left them there before we planned to hang out) for it. So, if you're in north west England you may have seen my friend opening my other friend's results on the news! After the smart people's pictures had been done we had a tour of the new college building (it looks AMAZING, I can't wait to start!) with the head teacher. It was fun and, like I said, I can't wait to start college now! When we eventually got to smart arse friend's house, we spent the afternoon hanging out, talking, laughing and watching videos and TV. It was fun! I wish I saw my friends more outside school....

I'm not sure what my blogging habits are going to be like over the next few days; we have family friends visiting tomorrow so I don't know how much access I'll have to the laptop. I will have internet on my iPod though so I'll try to write a little bit each day...

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

BEDA Day 24:

"Roses are the most beautiful flowers. Life is a beautiful thing. They are one in the same. How? Life withers with time, grows rough and coarse. It has a time limit within which it should be admired--as some lives do not last long. Roses are the same. Life is but a flower, beautiful, but with a price that all must pay. But do not lose yourself in the prospect that we all wither; rather embrace it and live every day to the fullest with each soft, beautiful petal."

Someone posted this on a facebook page today and, because I don't particularly feel like writing a lot I just wanted to share it. 

It's amazing how other people can say what you're thinking so perfectly, isn't it? I don't know how they do it. Thinking about it now, the fact that people can do that shows that we aren't alone. So many times I feel things and it seems like I'm the only one going through it but I'm not. Somehow, putting this quote here has made me realize that. I think a lot.

Also, how many of you started singing "baby you're not alone!" during that last paragraph?

Also also resultstomorrowohmygodimsonervousokaythisishorrible

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

BEDA Day 23: I love strangers

So yeah, my love for people I have never met is incredible. Somehow, things they say mean so much to me. Yes, this is another post about tumblr. Nope. I don't care.

Last night I was feeling pretty crappy (again) and I posted it on tumblr because...I don't know, I guess I just wanted to be heard. A few minutes later I got the nicest, loveliest message ever. It didn't say a lot, it was just nice and exactly what I needed. I don't think someone's ever said exactly what I need to hear directly to me before. It meant (and still means) a lot to me. It just helped me a lot. I took their advice and it helped a lot. It was a little thing but it made me feel better. Before last night I'd never talked to the girl who messaged me, we followed each other but hadn't talked. Maybe that made it more special. The fact that someone I had never talked to cared that I was feeling lonely. It's something that's really special to me.

I love the internet so much. I've rambled on about it a lot this month but really, I love it. You FIND so many amazing people on here, people you don't know can affect your life by saying the smallest things. People in different countries can bring so much to your life, I will never be able to fully express how amazing I find it or how much I love it.

Also, I have kids songs etched into my brain. I have watched a certain episode of Barney at least 10 times.
"Kids are cooler than adults"
Julia Albain

Monday, 22 August 2011

BEDA Day 22: Tiredness

Last night the last chapter of Learning to Dance was posted. It was amazing. I haven't written a lot about it on here but basically, it's amazing. I cried my eyes out several times and it has a happy ending. I love it. However, the last chapter was meant to come out at 3am GMT (damn time zones) and, because of volunteering I couldn't stay up. I managed to randomly wake up at 5am though, so I read it then. It was beautiful, as always but I payed for it today. I've been knackered all day. But it was worth it.

Perhaps because of this tiredness I've not been very happy today...for no particular reason, I've just not been happy I guess. I'm a bit of a mess right now, it's cool.

So this is a stupid short blog today, sorry, it's needed. I'm not in a thinking place right now.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

BEDA Day 21: Yeah

Today would have been my dad's birthday. It sounds bad but it hasn't affected me that much. I think about my dad every day and will for the rest of my life. It was kind of just a normal day for me.

I do want to do something with my experience when I lost my dad, though. I want to do something to help me and others who are going through similar things to what I went through. I had planned on creating a website where people could just share their experiences and talk to each other and help each other through loosing family members. I had (and still have) the support of one of my best friends with this, he was going to help me set the site up but we've just not organised anything yet. Partly because of this, I don't know if I want to make a site anymore.

Recently I've been thinking about writing it down. I kind of want to do a Julia Albain and write the book I wish I had when I lost my dad. I want to write about my experiences in the hope that people will read it and it will help them get through it.

Honestly, this year is the first year I think I've allowed myself to properly think about my dad. I didn't deal with it when it happened, I just got on with it. I can't remember a lot of what happened around that time. I think I blocked a lot out. I didn't talk about it with anyone, I just carried on with life. I didn't deal with it. This year I started to. I feel like this year is the first time I actually dealt with it. I've grown up. I don't remember thinking about my dad much in previous years, I think I must have, I just don't think I allowed it to be as big of a part of my life. I just blocked it out. But this year I know I've thought about it a lot. I don't know why, maybe I was just finally ready. Maybe this year was the right year for me to deal with it. I think I have. Of course, I'll never be over it. He will always be a part of me, if he wasn't I wouldn't be me.

I just want some kind of closure I think. I want to get my experiences out in the best way I know: writing. I think that's what I want to do. I want to write it all down and get it out there. I want to talk to people who've lost parents as well, I never got the chance to do that. Maybe, through writing it down I will find that, I hope I will. I just need somewhere that I can do that. Somewhere that I can write and talk to others. Talking to others like me was all I wanted when I was going through it. Someone who'd been through or was going through the same things and would understand. It's all I want now. I think I need to make that for myself.  That's the only way I'll get it.

I know this post was a mess, I'm a mess right now but it's what I needed to say so I said it. In conclusion, I need to help myself by helping others (I think).

Saturday, 20 August 2011

BEDA Day 20: Stuffs

So today I had a social life. It's weird. I did normal Saturday things (keyboard and town with the mother) and then went to the cinema with some of the friendlings. It was fun. We talked, we laughed.

We went to see the Inbetweeners movie. If you don't live in England you probably won't know what that is...basically The Inbetweeners is a TV series about some boys in college, they're uncool and it's funny. So they made a movie about them. The movie is also funny. I think the best way to describe it is English. It is definitely an  English movie. It's got that English humor that I don't think would be as well received in the US. It might be, I don't know but I don't know if people would fully get it. That's just my opinion though.

I'm going to do a mini review because I feel like it. It was funny. Predictable and obvious but funny. It's not a thinky movie, it's just a comedy really. One thing that I really loved, though, was how everyone laughed together. It was kind of special and I'm soppy okay?

I live on tumblr right now. I love it. Seriously, I miss my friends a lot and we need to see each other more but I love tumblr. I'm kind of counting on being able to use it when I'm on my frees in college because I don't know how I'll manage without it...I'm that sad. Actually, I will live without it, I just don't want to.

Freak out:
Freak out over.

Friday, 19 August 2011

BEDA Day 19: Feeling Unsettled

Lately I have been thinking about my future career a lot. For many reasons, I guess: I'm volunteering to get experience with what I want to work in, I'm going into college which means thinking about Uni etc. and I have a lot of free time. I'm going to start this story from the begining (for once).

Since I did my work experience last year I've wanted to be a teacher in a special needs school. That's what I decided after I enjoyed working in a special school so much. It became so much easier for me to make subject/college decisions, I knew what I wanted to do, it was good. I got sorted to get experience with children with special needs. I was sorted. I still am, in a way.

Over this past month or so I've become more unsure. I guess, ever since I read Julia Albain's book I've had an urge to see more things, have more experiences, find myself. I feel like that is a big thing on my to do list; I want to find myself because I'm lost. As much as I'd hate being lost, I feel like it would make me a better person. I want to see different things. I have decided this over these last few months. It's kind of unsettled me because I was always thinking I'd be a school-college-uni-job-end person. That doesn't sound good to me now, though. I can't see myself going into a job after university and staying in one job, or exactly the same type of job for the rest of my life. It sounds so boring. My job wouldn't be boring, I know that. I just don't want to do it all the time from ages 21 to 65.

In a way, I want to have a gap year after university. I'll get my degree then go travelling or something for a bit. I want to enjoy my 20s. I want to do some exploring. I don't want to just work through my 20s, I want to do something else. Whether I work and explore or I just explore, I don't know but I want to do something else.

I think the main reason I came to this realization is because (again) of Starkid. I look up to those people and they don't have "real" jobs. They've moved around since college and are experiencing different things. That's what I want to do. I think that I've always felt a bit like this, I've just not realised it until I saw people living it, you know? That happens sometimes.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

BEDA Day 18: Tired ramblings

I'm really tired right now so I'm just going to write and see what happens. I feel like this is going to turn into an about-my-life blog because I can't be bothered doing a blog about actual things...

My life is volunteering and tumblr. That is all. I love it. I'm still enjoying volunteering and I'll miss it when I'm done but at the same time I'm looking forward to it being over so I can relax a bit, it's very tiring! Tumblr has taken over my life...I love it.

I've also been slowly deleting people off my facebook. I have 300+ friends on there and I like about 15 of them. I'm literally going through my timeline everyday and unfriending everyone who I've never talked to or don't like. It feels good. Honestly, I hardly ever use facebook for non starkid things, but recently I've been using it for starkid socializing a lot more. I'd quite like to keep that side of me from the people who I don't like because, honestly, they don't need to know about it. I have actually been thinking about clearing out my facebook friends for a while. The amount of people I have on there who I either don't like or don't speak to is silly. There's no point. I don't actually update my facebook anymore, I just write on the starkid pages. So there's no point. No one will miss me. There are a few people, however, that I kind of want to delete but can't because it would lead to awkward questions next year. I know there are some people who'd notice I'd deleted them and ask me about it. Because I'm a coward, I wouldn't be able to say "well, I don't like you so I deleted you" and I just can't be bothered with the drama it might bring. But I kind of like deleting people, it makes me want to go back on facebook more because I'm not worried about the judgemental people. Hopefully soon there will only be people I don't mind seeing the weirder side of me on there and I might actually use it more.

So, that's my life right now.

Also, random things that don't deserve their own paragraphs:

  • I miss my friends but hopefully that will change within this week
  • Results day is a week today (eeeek)
  • I have seen an episode of Barney where they have a purple party too many times
  • I'm tired
  • As soon as I'm done with volunteering we have guests
  • I want a week where I don't have to do anything but that's not gonna happen and if it did I'd get bored of it
  • I'm looking forward to college
  • Tumblr/Starkid friends on facebook are the best
  • Walking home is fun, it's usually when I think about what I'm going to blog about
  • I woke up to 65 texts from twitter this morning. Team Starkid had a rehearsal, funny tweets come with that
  • I am re reading Julia Albain's book alongside Harry Potter. It's what I need right now.
  • A Glamorously Unglamorous Life is basically my handbook to life, it will live where ever I live

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

BEDA Day 17: Fanfiction

If you don't know what fanfiction is google it now. It's amazing. Whatever you're obsessed with or even just a fan of, there will probably be fanfic for it. I love it so much. Almost all the fanfic I read is Starkid related and if not it's Harry Potter.

I saw a quote on tumblr the other day that said "fanfiction is what literature would be if all the commercial writers were wiped out. It's not done for money or fame, it's just done because people love doing it" (or something like that) I couldn't have put it better myself. Fanfic is just for fun. There's no money involved, it's just what people want to write.

Fanfiction is all about characters that already exist. Someone has either already wrote the characters you use or they are real life people, either way it's all about working from a point someone else has given you. I think that characters are amazing because they are created by one person and then brought to life in so many different ways. In my opinion, fanfiction is all about how certain people view certain characters, what they mean to them. That's what I think is so great about characters. They can be whatever you want them to be because they're not real, they've been created. We all have slightly different views of people, they may not be 100% true but they're real to us. It's why reading is so good, we each have different experiences with it, we all imagine things differently. It's something that's individual to us, no one can really tell us it's wrong because it is in our head, it's not real so we can shape it to be what it is.

Anyway, back to fanfiction. I feel like fanfic is all about other fans sharing their personal experiences with the story they're writing about. It's about sharing what you imagined when you read/watched something, it's telling people what you think about certain characters and letting them share your experiences. That's an amazing thing. You can add to a story, enhance other's experience of it by sharing your experience of it. It becomes a group experience and that's what makes it so amazing. It can completely change your view on stories and characters and it's amazing.

The reason I decided to write about this today is because I've been reading a certain fanfic, learning to dance, today. It's based around Starship and Taz and Up's relationship and it's amazing. It truly is. I'm just over half way and wow...I've nearly cried a few times already and I think there are tears to come...that's how good it is. I'm also helping to edit a friend's fanfic and really enjoying it right now so it's something that's come into my life that I wanted to share...

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

BEDA Day 16: Never growing up

I am never going to grow up. I will always hold on to that little bit of magic, I'm always going to see the beauty in things. I want to always see some good in people, because it's possible. I don't care if that makes me naive or stupid, I always want to be childlike. Maybe it's one of the reasons I'm attracted to working with children, doing that will help me always slightly see things from a child's perspective.

Just a bit of inspirational ramblings that popped into my head when I started writing this blog...

The magical thing about being a child is that you're innocent. You aren't aware of any of the messed up things in the world, you're guided around life, you don't have to think, you just do. The simplest things can be the best things in the world. You can be entertained for hours with just one simple toy, a song or even a word. It's amazing.

I miss that. I miss not having to think, people would think about the hard things for you. You just thought about what you were playing with. Everything was so simple. Then we grow up. I feel like, as we grow up, we have a choice. At one point or another I believe we all think "life is shit". However, we can choose whether to live this opinion or accept it and try to make it less shit. There are hard times but we get through them, we have no choice. I do think we have a choice as to how much we let it affect us though. I know we can't help it if things get to us and get us down but I do think that we can choose to focus on other things, take our minds off them instead of wallowing. It's up to us.

These past few days I've been choosing wrong. I've been letting stuff get me down for no good reason. I'm going to try and stop that. It's not worth it.

I may have just helped myself...I've never done that before. I love this blog so much.

Monday, 15 August 2011

BEDA Day 15: Friends and stuff

Today I'm going to talk about a subject that I think I have touched upon a few times but never really said what I need to say today.

I love my friends so much. I can be myself around them and we are complete weirdos when we're together and just don't care. I love being with them. However, I feel like I haven't met that one best friend yet. The friend that you just think "where have you been all my life?" The friend who you know you can tell anything to and they won't judge you, they'll understand. In a way, it's the friend who thinks the same way as you, the one who's been through similar things and dealt with them in the same way. I see friends like this on the internet but I've never been able to find that person. I feel like something is missing from my life and for a long time this is all I've wanted. I know it's a lot but I'd just like to find someone who I can cry, laugh and flail with unconditionally.

I just don't know what to do about it. I talk to people. I try to make friends but none seem to stick, they just kind of drift in and out. I want someone I can tell my life story to because, even though I've grown up with some of my best friends they don't know everything, they mostly only know my school life. I wish that wasn't the case but it is. I want someone who has problems that I can help with while they help me with problems.

Who knows, maybe one of my friends will become that person for me, I kind of hope so but I don't think they will. I don't have enough in common with them. I kind of like being the group that just came together because we didn't have other friends, I feel like we're a bunch of misfits who get along, have fun and have formed great relationships with each other. We know that we don't have much in common with each other and we're okay with it.

I'd just like one person who I have a lot in common with. For some reason I feel like the internet is the best place to meet this person. Simply because there are so many people on here and the internet is such a big part on mine, and a lot of people on here's lives. It would make sense that people who spend so much time on the internet would find each other on there. I've seen it happen and every time I do I'm insanely jealous. I just want to be there with someone.

Maybe my problem is that I want too much. I don't want to want these things, I just do. There are some things you can't control about yourself.

Also, hi. I'm still down but this really helped yesterday night. I'm currently blaming hormones for this mood.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

BEDA Day 14: I guess I'm in a funk?

I don't know why but this past week or so I've been kind of down. For no real reason, I just haven't felt right. You may have been able to tell from my most recent posts, I haven't exactly been cheerful. I got like this sometimes and I hate it...I just can't seem to shake it off.

Writing this is making me feel worse so I'm going to go now...see you tomorrow!

Tonight I will carry on reading Julia Albain's book in the hope that it will helped last night

Saturday, 13 August 2011

BEDA Day 13: I'm Not Sad Today

There's a project/site someone has created on tumblr called imnotsadtoday and today I saw it on my dash (as usual) and really wanted to say something about/to it. However, it didn't seem right to tell it to them in their ask, I don't know why but I couldn't say what I needed to say directly to them. If you regularly read this blog then you know that it's where I put the things I want to share but don't have anywhere to share them and this is one of those things...

I started off writing this in their ask:
To be honest, I'm not sad most days but I kind of haven't felt like I could submit here because I don't have a story as to why I was sad/am not sad, I'm lucky enough to be quite happy at the moment and to have been for some time. In a way I guess I don't feel like I should be on this site if being happy isn't a rare thing for me. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or insulting you guys, I think this is a great site.

But then I didn't think it sounded right, saying those things and I needed to say other things but didn't know how so I stopped and put it here instead. I'm basically going to write this out again but a lot longer and I'll probably add a lot...

I have followed I'm Not Sad Today basically since it began and I've always thought what an amazing thing it is, it's truly inspiring. Yet I've never felt like I could submit something. I think the main reason is because I don't have a story. As I said earlier, I'm lucky enough not to be sad a lot of the time. I haven't been truly sad in a long time and I'm very happy and thankful for that fact. But because of this I don't feel like I can submit something.

I have been through stuff. I lost my dad when I was 11 but while it was horrible and I was distraught about it, I was never depressed. Like properly depressed. I just kind of got on with it. I've never really got truly depressed, I tend to just get through things. I am extremely lucky with that and I know it. I just wish it didn't make me feel bad when I see people who've been through depression, I wish I could help.

That's all I can say tonight.

I think I'm going to go read Julia Albain's book tonight. I feel like that's what I need.

Friday, 12 August 2011

BEDA Day 12: Social media

Before you read this blog watch this video.

I found it because Julia Albain tweeted it and thank God she did because it's inspired me with what to write about today! The video more or less says what I wanted to say in my blog about the internet earlier on this month. Why is it that others can say what I'm thinking so perfectly, yet I struggle to put my thoughts into blogs that make sense?

At the end of the video it says "We are in the midst of something special. You've got the love. How will you share it?" and it's that statement which really inspired me today. I believe we are in the midst of something special. Thanks to social media I know so many more people. It's such a special thing to be experiencing. We are literally living the change.

One thing that truly baffled me was when it said "more words are being written everyday on twitter than Shakespeare wrote in his whole life". That's really struck a chord with me because the internet has made me appreciate writing and reading more. In a way I've gone the opposite way to most people. It seems like (at one point at least) the internet was killing reading and books etc. but honestly, it's got me back into books. Finding books on here that others love has made me read them and love them. The internet has made me want to read. It has also brought writing back in my life. I think I've mentioned it before but when I was younger I used to want to be a writer and started (but never finished) writing countless stories and always gave up. I just stopped trying one day. Then I got a blog. This blog has changed me. It has made me love writing again, it's not the same type of writing but it's still writing. Until I read that I thought that it wasn't too common for the internet to have made people love writing more but now I think that the internet has inspired a new way of writing; one that everyone can take part in.

I suppose the ultimate message of the video is that we can change things through the internet. We can do good with the influence we have on here and that is definitely something I want to act on. I do want to make a difference and help people and I want to do part of it here, on the internet. But I'll talk more about that in a different blog.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

BEDA Day 11: This turned into things I have discovered about myself

I'm not sure what to write about today so I'm just going to start and see where it ends up...

For a while now I've been thinking about my position in my group of friends. It's a weird thing to think about I guess but my brain just kind of started on it and didn't stop. In many ways I feel like a mother figure in my group of friends. Most of the time I organize the get togethers we have, I'm almost expected to do it by now. Also, for some reason, my friends always seem to tell me when someone else in the group is bothering them. It happens quite a lot when we're out together to be honest. But I love it. I don't tend to show that I love it, I tend to shrug it off or complain but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I kind of love being the person that people go to. It can be annoying, trying to organize everyone but it's also kind of second nature to me.

Another thing I've learnt about myself recently is that I love it when things go wrong and you're forced to work something else out. In a way it's a thrill to me when plans don't go right because it means that I have to come up with a different course of action on the spot and I kind of love doing that. Again, I have no idea why but it's exciting to me. I like having to think on the spot and solving things.

I've also found that I have become more honest. I really noticed this when I was signing yearbooks at the end of school. Instead of just writing "good luck from Kathryn" to everyone I made sure I said something different for each one. It just didn't seem right not to have something personal in my messages in people's yearbooks.

Also, I have crossed the point where I care what people I don't care about think about me. I just don't care anymore. Until about February this year I cared what the people at school (who weren't my friends) thought of me. But then something changed and I stopped caring. I don't see why I should. They can say what they want about or to me, I don't have to put up with it. I used to want to be friends with the "popular" people. I wanted loads of friends and I wanted to be "cool". But then the people I wanted to be obviously didn't like me, most of my form teased our group of friends for a few years and as a group we stopped caring about them. We decided they weren't worth it but I still cared about them a little bit, I made an effort on non uniform days because I wanted them to think I looked good. But then, at some point in the last year I stopped. I wore what I wanted to the last few non uniform days, I didn't care as long as I was comfy.

But I'm also quite impressionable and insecure. As you can tell, I'm not very sure of my beliefs or opinions a lot of the time so I tend to take up other people's opinions very quickly. I don't have many opinions that are truly mine. I hear what other people say and I tend to take on the same mindset until someone makes a better point against it...

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

BEDA Day 10: People

Woah. We're into double figures of BEDA! I think it's going well so far, not sure how I'll feel in a week or so but it's going good for now.
Today I want to do a kind of follow up blog to my rant yesterday. I've been planning this blog for a while and after yesterday I think it's the best time to do it. I'm being unnecessarily vague right now. If you've read the title you all ready know that today I'm going to blog about people. It's kind of a vast topic but there are thing's I've been thinking about for a long time that I just want to write down...

I believe that people are one of the greatest things in the world. Great in bad ways as well as good. Fellow human beings are the one thing that seems to evoke strong emotions in me. I can feel so much love for some people, yet others can annoy me so much and make me so angry. Thinking about it, I feel like people are the only thing that cause true emotion in me. For some people beauty causes them to feel but honestly, I can appreciate beautiful landscapes etc. but they don't stir up emotions. At the end of the day it's people and their behaviour that get me.

My life motto for a long time has been "people are silly" and I think I will always have that opinion. People do the stupidest things (example: rioting) and can sometimes make the worst decisions. My 16 years experiencing people has taught me that people can be infuriating and will probably let you down. For some reason, a lot of people believe what I consider to be stupid things and act on them in the worst ways.

Despite these things, I think that people are wonderful. There's nothing that beats them. For every stupid person out there, there must be at lease one person who has a kind heart and will be there to help if they are needed. I feel so much love for so many people: my friends, StarKid and the people who helped clean up after the riots are just a few people who make me explode with love. People help others. They create so many great ways to help others. Yes, people can hurt others but people can also help those who have been hurt. Sometimes someone will do or say something that will help someone so much. Simple words can do everything. I've seen an amazing project take form on tumblr and words in a book have changed the way I think. It is all because of people. Humans have an amazing power to help and influence people for the better. Maybe that's why I love people so much. If we want to we can do anything.

I'd like to go back to these riots for a bit. Everything I saw about the people rioting yesterday angered me. But then I saw what people were doing to help. I've seen people all over the country coming out to help re build what the riots destroyed. People are coming together to repair our communities. I've seen pictures of normal people out there trying to stop riots and protecting their local shopping centre just in case. It's inspiring. I believe that people can and are making the best out of terrible situations. Sometimes bad things cause unbelievably amazing things and it's all because of certain people's reactions to them.

I'm kind of having a hard time expressing what I really mean so that's all I can say right now. If you have read Julia Albain's book then I basically agree with everything she says about people. Reading it I was saying "Yes! That's what I think! Thank you for putting it into words!" If you've read it, you'll probably know what I mean, if not just ignore that.

This is all my opinion, I understand if you think opposite, it's just how I feel.

Quote of the day:
"Our lives are our relationships"

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

BEDA Day 9: Riots

Unless you've been living under a rock today you will know about the riots happening all over the UK. They're fun. I know that riots have been happening since Saturday but I really wasn't aware of them until today. It was so bad last night that it seems the whole world is talking about them. I can't believe what's happening in our country. It is so weird to see hashtags like PrayForLondon trending. I'm used to seeing them about other places, never anywhere in the UK, it's weird.

These riots really annoy me. It just reminds me that people are stupid. I can understand people protesting about not having enough information about someone being killed but the violence is just pointless. As I know it, they started as a peaceful protest which some stupid people decided to turn violent. I just don't see why. If you are doing this then you are hurting people. You are not only destroying livelihoods but you are also destroying your own towns and cities. It is disgusting and I cannot understand why anyone would do this. It's not fun. It won't help anything. It will just damage your prospects in later life. Mindless violence. That's all it is and I don't get it.

What really gets me about this whole thing, though is the fact that it's teenagers or youths (as the press are calling them) that are doing this. Do they really think doing this will make people respect our generation more? It won't. It'll just give people a worse view of us then they all ready have and in this country teenagers are all ready blamed for so much. It seems to be a common opinion that everyone ages 13-19 are chavs who are up to no good. We're not. We're not all wandering around in black looking depressed either. Some of us are just like grown ups, we've just lived a little less. It annoys me to no end that we're all tarnished with the same brush. Honestly, I don't blame people for thinking we're all violent criminals. We don't exactly get the best coverage in the press, the only things people who don't know teenagers hear about us is the bad things that a minority are doing. I just wish people would stop giving them more fuel.

I have a few theories about why this is happening. As with a lot of people, I partially blame the government. I don't know much about politics etc. but I know enough to know that cuts have been made to youth services and I thing that this may be a big contributing factor. It's the summer holidays. People have been off school for a couple of weeks and they're starting to get bored, it's inevitable. Unfortunately, when some people get bored they will find dangerous things to do. People have got bored and decided to copy what other people did because there's no where else to go. That's why I think it's started. I also feel like there is the thought "they don't like/respect us so why should we?" behind a lot of this. I understand this. I, myself have thought this about teachers, I have deliberately acted up because a supply teacher wasn't showing us respect and the rest of the class were. So I know how they're feeling. But I still can't understand why they're being violent. I can never understand violence, I guess it's just not in my nature. Fighting things with force seems like the stupidest thing; if you push someone they're going to push back.

Thankfully I haven't been personally affected by the riots (touch wood). They were mostly around the London area but it seems like they are slowly making their way through the country. I live in a town in between Manchester and Liverpool and it seems like things have gotten pretty bad in Manchester. It's scary. There were rumors that it was happening in my town but it was just people shit stiring on facebook. Thank God. What is really sick though, is that there is at least one group promoting riots in my town. It's sick. Why would you want to destroy your own town? It's your home. I don't care how bad you think it is, it could be a lot worse.

The moral of today's blog: people are stupid. I will never understand them.

Monday, 8 August 2011

BEDA Day 8: A Bang on the head...

So today I gained a huge lump on my forehead. That was fun. I went to volunteering as normal today and we had a new little boy and he decided he liked me. After lunch he was hugging me and decided to sit down, without letting me go. The problem was that there was a wall and window ledge in the way. So my head got a bit of a beating. That was fun.
I'm fine though, I still have a big lump but it's a lot smaller than it was. It was huge at first! But apparently that's a good thing so it's all good and ice has been on my head a lot.

That's all really, I'm very tired at the moment and just don't feel like doing a big blog right now so I'm going to leave it there for today...

Sunday, 7 August 2011

BEDA Day 7: Religion and stuff

Today is Sunday: traditionally the day of religion I guess. Well, it's the day of christianity at least, it's the day most people go to church etc. So what better day for me to get my views about religion out there?

I was kind of brought up christian. I went to church every Sunday (still do) and went to a church of england primary school but my parents were never very religious. My dad wasn't at all religious but my mum took me to church. We only really started going to church so that I could get into the primary school I went to but, unlike a lot of others, we didn't stop going once I'd got into the school. I don't think my mum thought it was right to just go to get into the school and then just stop so we carried on. We're still there 12 years later.

As I've grown up I've always said I was a christian just because I went to church but now I'm not too sure. I've thought about it a lot and have come to some conclusions about what I believe about God and everything.

I feel like there has to be a God. There has to be something else out there, we can't just have happened. I don't know what but something must have set our existence off and I don't believe that it just happened by chance. But I can't put my finger on what created us. I have no idea what is out there but I know I can't believe that we are alone. It's just not something that I think can be possible. I also don't think that it can be the end when we die; there has to be something else, there just has to be. Again, I have no idea what, I just don't really see why we would be here if there wasn't something at the other end. That's just how I feel about our situation in this place we call the universe. 

Also, fighting between religions annoy me. Based on what I have learnt in RS at school, most religions have the same concepts. They all seem to be based around the fact that there is a God and an afterlife so we need to be good people and worship them in order to have a good afterlife. There are many variations but to me they all seem to be sending that message out, just within different variations. So people fighting because someone is x religion and they are y religion seems like the stupidest thing to me. As far as I know all religions are against violence and killing so that shouldn't happen. It's just one of the many things that happen that remind me how much humans annoy me. To me, the basis of religion seems to be to be a good person and you will be rewarded. This is something that I agree with. I don't know how or when people are rewarded for doing good things but I feel like we are. It's just another thing I feel has to happen. 

I do know what science says about religion, I've studied it in school but there are just some things that I don't think science explains properly. The problem is, we can never truly know how the world was made or what is out there. We have no way of knowing what made the universe, we can only ever come up with theories. It kind of bugs me that some theories are taken as hard facts nowadays. Mainly the big bang theory. The fact that so many people just take it and teach it as fact kind of bugs me because it isn't fact: it is the most widely accepted theory. I don't completely disagree with the theory but I take it as a theory and just a theory because I know that we can never know what happened when the universe was created and I accept it. I'd love to know but I won't ever know and I'm fine with that.

As you can probably gather, I don't know a lot about what happens. I don't even know what I'm thinking a lot of the time but getting it down in writing helps me to sort it out in my head. 

This was probably an "unpopular opinions" blog but hey, they're my opinions!

Saturday, 6 August 2011

BEDA Day 6

Today was a good day. Our group of friends went out again and, as usual, we had fun. Nothing very exciting happened really, we just hung out so I'm not really going to talk about it here not because it's private, just because it wasn't too exciting.

Right now I'm feeling kind of down though. I have no clue why, I'm just not that happy at this moment. I had a great day and there's no specific reason why I'm feeling down, I just am. I get like this every now and again and I don't know how to stop it or what to do, maybe it's just part of being me? I don't know.

For some reason I started thinking about relationships and whatnot. Like, the romantic kind. I don't often talk about this stuff on here but I feel like I need/want to today. I want a relationship. But I'm not bothered about the physical side so much, I just want the closeness. I want someone to cuddle with, someone who'll look after me and someone I know will always be there to cheer me up if I need it. I just want someone to belong to and someone to belong to me. That sounds weird but it's just how I feel. I know a lot of people (especially boys) my age only care about the sex side of a relationship; they only seem to want that part at this age. But I don't care about that I would much rather watch TV with someone special. I just want to closeness, the feeling of your partner being your best friend that seems to happen so much on TV but never in real life.

I've felt kind of lonely for a while, I've wanted the things above for quite a long time to be honest. I never seem to be able to get it though and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe the problem is that I build up ideals in my head; ideals that are never met. Therefore, I am always disappointed by what happens. I still do it though and I don't know how to stop, I just want what I can't find.

Those are just some feelings I've had for a very long time that I felt needed to be put into words and these are those words.

Friday, 5 August 2011

BEDA Day 5: Happiness

Today I went on a trip as part of the volunteering I'm doing. I really enjoyed it; seeing all the kids happy made me unbelievably happy and it got me thinking about happiness and the ways people can be made happy etc. It's obvious that there are many ways of making people happy and everyone is made happy by different things. For some it's people possessions, for some it's friends and family and for some people it could be as simple as a kind word from the right person.

Recently I have discovered that it is people who make me happiest. More specifically it's people who are happy in general or have been made happy due to something I have contributed to. For example, today I found myself grinning like an idiot when some of the children were messing about and when you could see how much fun they were having. Seeing a look of pure happiness is the best thing in the world to me. Especially on the children I've been helping. There's just something magical about it, maybe it's because I know that I have helped, I have been able to make that child happy for a bit, I have helped make their day a good one. I can't really explain how good it makes me feel.

The same goes for my friends. I am perfectly happy to just sit back and watch my friends have fun. For example, on Wednesday when we were in Toys R Us I spent most of my time walking behind my friends being children. But I loved it. I've done it before; just watching my friends have fun is probably one of my favourite things to do. However, I feel like this is for different (yet similar) reasons. I feel like I love this so much because they are the people I love the most. Often I haven't contributed to their fun, I'm just seeing it but seeing it is enough. My friends are my family, they are the people I am closest to and the ones who I can always count on to have a good time with. So seeing them happy means a lot because I am seeing the people a love happy and I think that makes most people happy in some way.

It's not just people I know being happy, though. I am fascinated by people I see randomly who are happy. I love people watching, I could do it all day. I could watch a little girl running through birds or a group of friends laughing together and be happy. It's just something I love.

Again, just wanted to put this out there...

Thursday, 4 August 2011

BEDA Day 4: Internet friends

In todays blog I wanted to say a little bit about internet friends. If you have any social network site that is based around meeting or talking to new people then you'll know that you can meet some amazing people on the world wide web. I just want to put my thoughts about them out here...

Our generation are special because we are living through the internet age. More and more people are discovering the greatness of the internet; sites like twitter have enabled us to find and have relationships with new people. I feel like that is what the internet has become: a place to meet new people. I love this so much because it literally lets us be friends with people we may never meet and probably would definitely not talk to if we weren't on the internet. That is what is so special about our generation, we are living the change. I wonder if it will be normal for our children to have internet friends; I hope so!

Personally I have talked to many people over the internet but so far I have only ever become very close to one person. I met a boy who lives in America on Twitter and we talked and messaged a lot on facebook, I don't know why, we just got on and it was a purely friendship based relationship, it was great! We talked a lot and just generally got to know each other. However, about a year ago he disappeared from twitter and facebook. He just disappeared over night. After a few days he emailed me and said that his mum made him delete his social network sites because she freaked out about him having international friends. But he still wanted to keep in touch so we emailed for a few months. It was good, we were friends and talked every day. It sounds weird to write it down but it was just part of my day, he became a part of my life. After a few months, however, he suddenly stopped emailing. I emailed him asking what had happened many times and he was still updating his flickr so I know he was still alive/had internet but there was no response. I gave up emailing him when I changed my email address. But I miss him. Like I said, he was a friend. I think that may have meant more to me than it did to him but I still thought he considered me a friend. I don't know, I guess one of the bad things about internet friends is that it is very easy for them to cut contact with you (but that could be a good thing). Bottom line: I wish we never lost contact but I don't know what to do about it.

That wasn't really the best story to use to demonstrate the greatness of internet friendship but it's the only complete internet friendship I've made so far. However, that is slowly changing thanks to Team StarKid. Being a StarKid has changed a lot for me, as you know, but most importantly it has given me a whole fandom to talk to. I am part of an amazing facebook group of StarKid fans that just support each other. It is basically a big family; it started off as something that was given to the StarKids at LeakyCon and then turned into us just talking to each other. It is one of the best things I have ever joined. Luckily, I haven't had to but I know that there are people there who I can talk to if I need to; I've seen it happen with others. Also, tumblr has introduced me to some amazing people who I think (hope) will become very good friends.

This was a bit of a weird blog but I just wanted to put that out there.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

BEDA Day 3: Friendsfriendsfriends Funfunfun

I have Wednesdays off from volunteering so I'm hope they're going to be my social days, today certainly was! A group of us had arranged to go out and about and just generally hang out today so that's what we did, it was totally awesome.

There's something about our friendship group that means that whenever we get together we turn into 5 year olds. It's so fun! Today we walked up to McDonalds for McFlurries as it was about 100 degrees and we were dying. So we sat, ate and talked, not being too immature yet. Towards the end deputy head of our high school and his son came in which was weird to say the least; it may or may not have been one of the reasons we left. However, we couldn't leave before crazy crazy-haired and short funny friends decided they wanted some balloons that were being put out for the little kids. I told you, we're immature! After they got their balloons while the rest of us walked out we just kind of walked and debated what to do next.

In our town McDonalds is very near to IKEA and Toys R Us so we were torn between playing a game of hide and seek in IKEA (new life goal right there) or having some fun in Toys R Us. Naturally, Toys R Us was chosen. I think we must have spent a good hour in there just playing with the toys and reliving our childhood. We sat on/in some toy cars and mini desks and beds and decided which ones we wanted. We found rumbleroar, some random animal toys and the life sized baby dolls that were all the range when we were kids. I found a few caterpillar things that I would actually put in my home, even though I have no kids, I just liked the colours. I took pictures of us being silly and worried about being chucked out. We also found our future homes! I consider it to be time well spent!

After that we walked back to near(er) our houses/ASDA and sat on a field for a bit until sweet guy friend had to go so we walked him to his house. The rest of us walked to ASDA to wait for parents/wait for everyone else to go and then leave. While we were loitering outside one of the shops we saw someone we know from choices and chatted a bit and it was fun. I have no idea why I turned into a 5 year old for a minute there.

That was my day! There was some StarKid talk, some Harry Potter talk and just some talk. I like talk. The main reason I write days like this down in here is because I want to remember them. I know it's impossible for me to remember every detail of the day but if I write it down on my blog it is permanent (unless I delete it, which I won't) and it will always be something I can look back on. I like to document the good times because I don't want to forget them. Even if I drift away from my friends I know they will always be special to me and I never ever want to not be able to know what they were like and the fun we shared. That is one of the reasons I take so many pictures. If I can look back on the fun times we had and read the people, date and place I feel like I will never forget them. I guess that is one of my biggest fears: forgetting the things that are special. It is ultimately the reason that I started writing in here.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

A note about fandoms

As most of you probably know, in the past few months I have recently become very involved in the StarKid fandom. That, inevitably, comes with the Harry Potter and Glee fandoms mixed in and I'm fine with that. While there are many things I love about this fandom, there are also some things that annoy me that I need to get off my chest so this blog is just going to be my thoughts on fandom things. If you're on tumblr this may make more sense but I'll try to make it make sense for everyone, hopefully it'll work.

Ever since joining tumblr I have found some amazing pictures/gifs/information/people relating to StarKid etc. and there is an amazing sense of community on there. You can connect to someone anywhere in the world purely because you love the same group of  people. Tumblr is the place where you are almost garenteed to find at least one person who thinks in a similar way to you, someone you never thought you would be able to talk to. It really is a great website if you are a big fan of anything. There are also a lot of amazing people on there. Mostly it is a site for teenagers but, in between the drama and mess there is some great writing, some amazing projects and some great friends on there.

There is one bad thing about it mostly being teenage girls. The drama. Unfortunately, some people on tumblr seem to think they should send anonymous hate to people who are usually already quite sensitive. There is one particular person involved in the StarKid fandom that recieves a lot of hate because she has been lucky enough to meet and befriend the StarkKids in a way that most of us will not be able to. I don't know exactly what the hate she gets is like but I know that it can get very bad. To me, this is a product of jealousy and the fact that a lot of people wish they could have the experiences she has had. In my opinion, one of the reason she gets this is because this fandom is mainly made up of teenage girls and with all the hormones etc. we have to deal with, jealousy is a natural thing. Therefore, I feel like the hate is something that naturally happens, it doesn't mean that I am excusing these things or that I feel that they are rite in any way but I feel like it's an explanation for it. But that's just my theory, I might be wrong, I might be rite, I don't know. I must say, I have never experienced hate personally (touch wood and thank god) so I'm not actually speaking from personal experience, just what I have observed over time.

Something that just generally annoys me about the StarKid fandom is that some people seem to think they have the right to judge other fans because of how they came to be fans. A lot of people found StarKid through Glee and a lot of fans seem to feel as if knowing Darren and Team StarKid before Glee makes them special in the fandom. This particularly annoys me because I only discovered the amazingness of them after Darren was on Glee. I knew of them but it wasn't until I saw Darren on Glee that I thought I'd give AVPM another go and I loved it! But I hated seeing the comments saying "Like if you knew them before Glee" etc. because it made me feel bad that I was a new fan and not someone who was with them from the start. I still feel a bit like that to be honest. I don't feel like I can really be proud of Darren's success because I didn't know him before he was famous. I hate that I feel like that but I just do, I don't know if it will ever change.

This was more of a blog about tumblr, instead of the fandom but to me it's the same thing so there you go!

Monday, 1 August 2011

BEDA Day 1: A bit of an introduction...

So, it's August! It's come around quick, yet slowly at the same time...even though that doesn't make much sense but, hey, that's me!

I haven't really updated here in a while because I just felt like I needed a bit of a break. I felt like I wasn't writing what I wanted to write in here and I just needed to stop for a bit. I still wrote, just in my private journal not on here. I don't know why, writing in this blog just wasn't helping, it was just confusing me more. Part of it might have been the fact that this is published for people to read and I want people to read it, it was just that I wasn't producing what I though was readable writing. If that makes any sense. So a wrote about 5 pages in my diary, taking me almost an hour but helping me unbelievably. So, that's what's been happening in those 5 days I didn't blog properly...I know 5 days isn't much for most bloggers but it seems like ages to me.

As you can probably tell I'm doing BEDA (blog every day in August). I don't know whether BEDA/VEDA is done as much in August as it is in April but, since I failed at it in April, I'm trying it out! I hope doing this will improve my writing. I've heard through a lot of people that the only way to improve your writing is to write so I'm taking their advice. I don't know how or when but I've really started to love writing and now it's something I'd like to explore further. Those are my reasons for doing this...

Thinking about it, today was a lot of firsts: the 1st of August; my first day volunteering; the first day of getting our bathroom redone and (of course) the first day of BEDA! I've mentioned volunteering before and it's something I was really nervcited about (a word I made up, a cross between nervous and excited) starting. My hopeful future job is to be a teacher in a special school so I'm volunteering with a local holiday play scheme for 4-19 year olds this summer to gain experience and make sure that this is really what I want to do. As I've mentioned, it was my first day today and I can't really say much more than that because of confidentiality stuff. I really enjoyed it though and I'm glad because I'm more sure of what I want to do but I may not think that way after four weeks of it so we'll see what happens!

As I mentioned above, it was the first day of us getting my bathroom re done today. In a way it's kind of weird for me because I have, literally, grown up in that bathroom. My parents got it done before I was born and it's more or less stayed the same throughout my life. The change table my parents used when I was a baby was still there and I think we might be putting it back, I'm not sure. Getting my bathroom redone is a bit like saying goodbye to a part of my childhood. Being involved in the Harry Potter fandom on tumblr has lead me to think more about the ending of my/our childhoods as a lot of people say the end of their childhood was the end of the Harry Potter film. It just got me thinking, we're all growing up and it's inevitable that we will have things that seem like they end our childhood because they were such a big part of our lives. When I was a child I didn't like watching movies and things like that so for me it's places and people who make up my childhood, places like my house and my primary school.

First day of BEDA: done! This wasn't really a blog about a lot, it was just some of my thoughts about stuff.

Today was awesome because: I walked home from volunteering.