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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Saturday, 30 June 2012

Taking time for myself

Yesterday I decided to take the day for myself. I'd been stressed about school work and whatnot the whole week and felt like my head was about to explode so I just decided that yesterday was a chill out day for me. It was a day to spend with myself, to help myself. It worked. I had a great day just relaxing and not having to do anything.

Today I had an urge to do a lot of things. So I did. I got things that need to be done done and I did some extra stuff. For once, it felt good. Usually I'm a lazy person, but today doing stuff felt right. It didn't feel like I had too much to think about and not enough brain space, which is a feeling I have experienced often this past week. It just felt good.

These were very different days but they were both good days.

Looking back on it now, the majority of both these days was spent doing things that I'd decided to do for me. Both days I was helping myself and motivating myself to just do what I felt like doing and to simply be me without other interference or having pressing jobs that simply had to be done by the end of the day. I was doing everything I did for me and no one else and it made me happy.

I think maybe I need more days like these. Days where I do things because it's what I want. After these two days I feel very relaxed and more peaceful with myself. I feel like this is what I needed. For the last week I've just felt as if my thoughts could not fit into my own head and it was exhausting, I couldn't think clearly and nothing was helping. But after these two days I feel good. My head feels clear and I feel good. Taking time for myself this weekend was the best decision I could possibly have made.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Confused feelings

Today, at a University open day I told my mum something that I have been thinking for quite a while now:
"I feel bad for having money."

This arose from hearing about the financial aspects and considerations that make up University life. I was stressing a little bit about the money I would need and how I would afford everything necessary in order to live away from home and buy everything that's needed. When talking to my mum about this, she calmed me down and told me about the money I would inherit when I turned 18 and that I would be eligible for loans from the government. Yes, this helped me to be a bit calmer about the costs of University but it also made me feel a bit bad. I know many people who aren't as fortunate with money as me and I know they'll struggle because everyone struggles with money at University.

I know I'm very lucky and I'm extremely thankful for it. But at the end of the day, the only reason I will be able to afford University comfortably is because my Dad died and left me with the money I'll need. This means that I'll be one of the lucky ones at University, I should (hopefully) be able to support myself with money from loans and everything else. But am I really lucky? I'll only be able to do this because my Dad died. I'd so much rather have my Dad than be able to pay for the costs of University fully. Yet I still feel lucky and 

This is something I'm struggling with right now. Feeling guilty because I have money but then I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty because I only have it because of a death. I just can't really sort it out in my mind right now. I don't know how I feel or even how I should be feeling.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Sharing experiences

As humans we are always influenced by others, it seems to be an innate feature of the himan race. We are social creatures, people around us will always influence us. It's how we work. Sharing experiences is great, it helps everyone. Talking or hearing about an experience can give people strength, motivation and a lifeline during hard times. The people around us shape our lives so much and do so so easily. We are all dependent on other people.

But, at the same time, we are all our own person. We all have different lives, different experiences and different ways that we deal with them. No one person is the same as another. We might go through similar experiences but nothing we ever do will be identical to somebody else, we're individuals who have their own thoughts and their own opinions. We own our lives, our experiences are very personal.

But our differences in life can help others. Seeing that someone else does something a different way may inspire you to change, or it might confirm that you have it right and are doing what's write for you.

However, there is so much power in sharing experiences. You don't have to share your experience, you could keep it to yourself, keep it as something personal. That's fine if it's what you want. But I feel like sharing your thoughts, sharing what you've done and how you've got through something can be a great thing for everyone around you. Sharing an experience with someone can inspire them, it can help them in the way they need it the most or it can just simply make you feel better.

For me, telling someone about something I've done or been through is like therapy. It gets it out of my head and lets me organize my thoughts. Hearing about someone else's experiences inspires me. Knowing that they can do so much and be so strong helps me to strive to be better and to be stronger. Other people will go through different things to what you go through but hearing how they dealt with something gives me strength to know that I can do anything and I'll be alright. Other people are inspiring. You just have to open yourself up to it.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Inspirational women

I just want to dedicate this post to all the amazing girls and women who inspire me every day.

I am so incredible lucky to know of and know some of the best, kindest and most inspirational women. They constantly help me through life without knowing it. Without some of the women I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am today. Recently, I've really come to love just how much other people are able to help you help yourself in some way. However, until recently I've only really noticed myself get inspired from afar, not directly by the people I consider friends. My perspective is shifting though, I've realised that your friends and the people you surround yourself with are just as inspirational and amazing as those you idolize.

I feel like one of the main reasons this has been something that has been on my mind recently is because I am opening myself up to it more. As part of my "mission" to improve myself etc. I have made more of an effort to be inspired. This has meant that I look for places to be inspired and so find them. Seek and ye shall find. That's something I've learnt through this realisation: the things I'm striving for are there, I just need to look for them. This has been on my mind recently when I've been talking to one of my friends a lot more. She's so strong and amazing, she can do so much and cares about so many people all at the same time. She's one of my close friends and is very similar to me, in other words my "twinny" but she inspires me so much. The way she handles everything, the advice she gives and the work she puts into what she loves reflects exactly how I want to be one day. I'm not too used to this, I'm not used to my friends inspiring me, I'm used to people I don't know inspiring me. That's great, but this gives me that extra bit of motivation, it shows me that I CAN do it because someone tangible, someone like me is doing everything and so I am shown that I can become who I want. Just knowing her has helped me more than I can ever express and I'm so lucky to be able to count her as a friend, thank you. You know who you are.

So many women have inspired me over time and each one of them have helped me become who I am today and are helping me become someone I need to be. Without ever really knowing it, people change us in amazing ways. I'm so lucky to be able to have access to these amazing women who have changed and will continue to change my life. People are important: cherish them.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

New Experiences

Tomorrow I am going to be meeting up with one of my best friends for the very first time. I've only ever talked to her through technology but I love her dearly and can not wait to finally be able to yell in her face with happiness! However, I'm also scared stiff. I'm taking on a completely new experience, going somewhere I've never gone before and meeting someone I've never met before. It's scary. Luckily my mum will be with me for 90% of my journey then I'll be with my friend for most of the day.

There was a time when a big portion of the journey would be done on my own but my mum stepped in and decided to help me get through it. I'm so thankful for that and I know that, if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't be nearly as happy going into tomorrow. Thank God for Mums!

 But there will be a little time (literally 15 minutes) when I won't be with anyone, when I'll be travelling to our meeting place alone. This is totally new for me. I've never, ever gone on a new journey on my own, I've never traveled somewhere I've never been before, on completely alien transport alone. It's going to be completely new.

I think that is the part of the journey I am dreading the most. The fact that I will be totally independent, travelling somewhere new on my own for the first time ever. It's scary. But it's certainly not the first time I'm going to have to be totally independent in a new experience, it'll happen my whole life, I know it will and I look forward to having independence. But it doesn't stop it being scary.

This journey will be a big thing for me. The 15 minute bus ride isn't much but it's a lot for me, right now. It's the first bus ride I'll be taking on my own, without someone who's done it before or any prior knowledge of it.It's a big step for me: my first step into independence and I can't wait. But at the same time, I know that this first step will be hard and terrifying. To anyone else, it's probably nothing, but to me it's big. It's all relative.

Maybe that's what I need though, I need to do this because it's an important life skill. It's something that will help me with my next scary, unknown experience. It's something that I will always be able to draw from. This will be the first of many new experiences in my life time. Maybe it'll help me grow and make the next time I'm stepping into the unknown that little bit easier and more manageable.