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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Monday, 7 January 2013

I don't fit.

I just don't fit with a group of people. I fit with one or to people as pairs, I can have a perfectly good time with just one other person, maybe two. Put me in a group bigger than that though and I just don't fit in. Everyone has someone else that they fit better with. Everyone has a shared background of liking a certain thing that either I've never liked or only just like. Everyone just has better connections with other people.

Even when I've felt like I fit in a little but I still had a difference. In the StarKid fandom and the brilliant family I gained from it I had a difference: I had never really been obsessed with Harry Potter. I liked it, but I wasn't exactly a fan, I'd not even seen the films. So, even though I did feel a sense of belonging, I still didn't have the same experiences. I wasn't similar to the rest of them; I didn't know one of their deepest loves as well as I felt I ought to in order to be fully with them.

I've had friendship groups where, for a short time, I've felt complete belonging but eventually I always find myself feeling distant from them. There is always someone who my friend would prefer to spend time with, it is always as if I am a third wheel whenever someone else is there.

Maybe I'm just over sensitive, maybe it's something everyone feels, I don't know.

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Love is worth it

Love is worth everything. Love for your peers, love for your family and especially love for yourself. It's worth it. The message of loving isn't out there enough, it's something that is just taken for granted: it is expected that we will receive love as children and that will be enough. But so often it's not, so often people don't get the love they deserve. It's a problem but it's a problem that is often dealt with in time.

What's more of a problem in my eyes though is the lack of love we all have for ourselves. It's just not something we are taught to want when really it should be something we are taught we need for good health. People just don't value it, if you show any signs of liking yourself then you're seen as not a very nice person, it's just the message that's given to us.

So many times I said "if I believed that I was a wonderful person then I'd be the most big headed person in the world" because it's what I genuinely believed. I thought no one wanted to be friends with someone who thought they were actually good. After a while I realised that it was something I deserved because it's something everyone deserves.

I intend to do everything I possibly can do to spread this knowledge to as many people as possible.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013


So it's officially a new year and, like every other year, there's been no change on the actual year passing. I have decided, though, that I want to take this chance to actually lay out some life goals. Like new year's resolutions. but more permanent. In my last blog I listed a few goals, but I need to write them down properly, explaining everything (more to myself than anyone else) to be able to make a conscious effort to work on them.

  1. Live in the present more and worry less. 
I'm a worrier, it's in my genes. But worrying about the future too much has cost me a lot of happiness this year. I know it'll be hard, I'm a human so I'm naturally set in my ways. I know I need to at least try because it's just not worth it.
  2. Be more creative. 
Creativity is good. I have my wreck this journal, countless notebooks and this blog where I can be as creative as I want in as many ways as I want. I need to use these tools as much as I can to help me be more creative and grow as a person with it.

  3. Read as much as I can.
School and the internet got in the way of me reading for pleasure and I really miss it. Lately, I've started doing it more and it makes me happier. Happiness is the goal so I need to carry that on into the future.

  4. Try to stop the negative thoughts.
I know I can't control my thoughts as much as I'd like to but I can at least try to stop the thoughts that I know are poisonous before they get to me and cause harm. Your thoughts determine what you put out in the world and I want to out positivity out there above all else.

  5. Be kind to people.
You never know how kindness can affect someone. Maybe it won't have any effect, maybe it'll have a big effect, maybe somewhere in between but, even if it has no effect whatsoever, kindness is always worth it.

  6. Take responsibility for my feelings.
I need to remember that, as much as other people can change emotions, they are not responsible for them. My emotions are mine, no one else's and if I blame other people for them, good or bad, then it will just bring more sadness into the world.

  7. Voice my opinions more.
If someone says something I don't like I want to be able to have the courage to disagree with them and tell them so. I shouldn't let people get away with being mean about someone or something I love.

  8. Work hard.
I'm really proud of the work ethic I've developed this year and I want to keep it up when it's needed.

  9. Learn to appreciate the rest time I have.
If I value it then it will be better for me. If I don't value it then I don't feel like I've had it and therefore it isn't any good for me, as I need it to be.

  10. Use music properly.
Yeah, I value music to a point now, but I want to value it more. I want to let it guide and help me in life. I just need to listen and that's what I intend to do this year.

So those are the goals of the journey of 2013, I'll let you know how they go!