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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Thursday, 11 August 2011

BEDA Day 11: This turned into things I have discovered about myself

I'm not sure what to write about today so I'm just going to start and see where it ends up...

For a while now I've been thinking about my position in my group of friends. It's a weird thing to think about I guess but my brain just kind of started on it and didn't stop. In many ways I feel like a mother figure in my group of friends. Most of the time I organize the get togethers we have, I'm almost expected to do it by now. Also, for some reason, my friends always seem to tell me when someone else in the group is bothering them. It happens quite a lot when we're out together to be honest. But I love it. I don't tend to show that I love it, I tend to shrug it off or complain but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I kind of love being the person that people go to. It can be annoying, trying to organize everyone but it's also kind of second nature to me.

Another thing I've learnt about myself recently is that I love it when things go wrong and you're forced to work something else out. In a way it's a thrill to me when plans don't go right because it means that I have to come up with a different course of action on the spot and I kind of love doing that. Again, I have no idea why but it's exciting to me. I like having to think on the spot and solving things.

I've also found that I have become more honest. I really noticed this when I was signing yearbooks at the end of school. Instead of just writing "good luck from Kathryn" to everyone I made sure I said something different for each one. It just didn't seem right not to have something personal in my messages in people's yearbooks.

Also, I have crossed the point where I care what people I don't care about think about me. I just don't care anymore. Until about February this year I cared what the people at school (who weren't my friends) thought of me. But then something changed and I stopped caring. I don't see why I should. They can say what they want about or to me, I don't have to put up with it. I used to want to be friends with the "popular" people. I wanted loads of friends and I wanted to be "cool". But then the people I wanted to be obviously didn't like me, most of my form teased our group of friends for a few years and as a group we stopped caring about them. We decided they weren't worth it but I still cared about them a little bit, I made an effort on non uniform days because I wanted them to think I looked good. But then, at some point in the last year I stopped. I wore what I wanted to the last few non uniform days, I didn't care as long as I was comfy.

But I'm also quite impressionable and insecure. As you can tell, I'm not very sure of my beliefs or opinions a lot of the time so I tend to take up other people's opinions very quickly. I don't have many opinions that are truly mine. I hear what other people say and I tend to take on the same mindset until someone makes a better point against it...

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