Indecision

Last night, I was talking to my best friend. I haven't properly talked to her in a while and it was nice. We didn't have a very long conversation, but talking to her about anything and everything, as I know I always can felt good.

Me and my friend are quite different from each other, we like the same things but have different opinions, different personalities, as people do. At one point in our conversation, she said to me "you're so lucky" and told me why she thought so. She's right. I am lucky right now. My life is good and I know it, I'm so unbelievably grateful for it. One of the reasons she said this is that I have a clear path in my head for my life, I have a career that I'm heading towards, that I know I'll enjoy whereas she is unsure of what she wants to do.

This is a good thing for many reasons: it's easier to plan for; I have something solid to work towards and I can see a place where I'll be doing exactly what I want to be doing. However, there is still some element of indecision in my mind. I know what I want to do but, at the same time there are so many other things I'd love to spend my life doing. I love writing and creating worlds that are mine, sharing my thought. I love helping people, talking through any problems they may have and trying to help them solve them. I love organizing things, I'd love to be working backstage on plays.

But I'm not planning to go into writing, therapy or theatre in university. I'm planning to go into teaching children with special needs. I want to do this because I love it. No other reason. Just because I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing the other things. Maybe the only reason I'm choosing to do an Education course is because it is the only one I can see leading to a stable, relatively easy to get into career. Writing is hard, I don't get ideas very often and when I do, it takes time for me to get them down. As much as I love talking to people who need help over the internet and trying to help them that way, I'm not very  good with talking face to face. I want to help people with their problems but am not very good at putting that want into practice. I can't act, or draw, or sing. The only creative thing that I am decent at is writing. If I went into theatre I'd need to be directing or organizing everything backstage and, from what I've heard, it's best to act or have another talent in that field in order to do those things.

So I don't choose being a writer, therapist or actor/backstage person. I choose being a teacher to children with special needs. I know I love it. I know that I can do it. But there's always that feeling there that I could be equally as happy doing something else. I could lead just as fulfilling life, maybe a more fulfilling life doing something else. But I've chosen. I've chosen the one that I've thought about most, that I discovered first. I've done this, partly because it's easiest, partly because it's the one I think I'll enjoy most.

I guess no one can ever be certain of what they want all of the time. In a way I envy those who are unsure. They could do anything, they still have so many options to explore. It's scary but exciting and life will surprise you more. I plan to continue writing for as long as I enjoy it, to continue trying to help people as much as possible and continue to organize things for my friends because it makes me happy.

I plan to live by these words of AJ Holmes:
"As long as you keep those multiple plates balancing you never get too bored"