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I'm just trying to figure out this journey we call life

Friday, 9 March 2012

The future

So, long time no post. There is a good reason for this: until yesterday we had had no internet for over three weeks. So sorry for the irregular posting, but I'm going to try to improve now!

Lately, and especially this week the subject of growing up has been thrust upon me in a way. For a while we have been talking a lot about university at school and this week it was reinforced further. We had a trip to a UCAS convention where we could find out more about universities and we got our results from the recent exams. This was all stressful and hard and forced everyone to think about their futures and what is coming next.

I'm preparing for university, organising myself with open days and doing my research. I've been told I'm being very mature with it, but in my opinion I'm just doing what I need to do; being sensible. Our head of year told us that you're either really excited to go to university and are doing your research and getting ready or you're scared and holding back, not really preparing yourself. My response to that: I'm both! I'm preparing myself and getting ready, doing my research and everything that needs doing but and the same time I'm dreading it. I'm scared. I'm so scared about what's going to happen when I get there, how I'm going to fit in and, most importantly, how I'm going to keep surrounding myself with the amazing people who are in my life now when we all go off to different parts of the country.

I have such a wonderful group of friends right now. I've known them for different amounts of time but I can't imagine my life without any one of the people in it right now. I don't know what it'll be like not being in the same  place as these people everyday. I'm terrified of leaving and drifting away from my friends. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch with my friends but I know people drift apart, I know the likelihood of having these people in my life all the time but it doesn't stop me hoping that we'll stay in touch at least. I'm worried about leaving home. I know I want to move out, become independent and get the experience of controlling my own life. But at the same time, I don't want to leave this town I grew up in; these people I've known all my life and my mum on her own. I know it has to be done, I just don't want it to be done.

Leaving is going to be scary and emotional but I know it has to be done. I know university will turn out to be great and I'll probably have the best time of my life there. But it doesn't stop the worries. I am a worrier by nature. I know that. These worries are coming early: I have over a year until I'm off to university. But they still bother me: it's the kind of person I am. Some days these worries dominate, other days they're not so important to me. But they're always there. I think they'll be there until I'm out of here. I just need to stop letting them get at me as much. Start living the moment and looking at the positives more than I look and the negatives. Maybe I need a complete attitude change about what is to come. But whatever happens, it's scary and I'm a worrier. I think I just need to learn to not let the worrier take over and relax a little bit.

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