Equality for disability

I believe that people should be treated for what they are and not other people's perceptions or judgments on them. We all judge others and that's completely natural. However I think we need to remember that our first judgments are usually wrong. We tend to either under estimate or over estimate people and see them as more than they are. However, I think that snap judgments based on a person's physical abilities or disabilities are the worst misjudgments possible. If you automatically think that someone with any kind of disability is "amazing" or "inspirational" just because they live like everyone else only with a disability or special need then you're being unfair to the person.

When people think that a picture of a child with downs syndrome on tumblr deserves a lot of notes simply because they have downs syndrome, it gets to me. Honestly, I don't think it's right. Yes, the child's cute but just because they have a disability doesn't mean that a picture of them doing something a child without disability would do deserves any more notes than this child. You might think that you're promoting inclusion or spreading a good message but really you're not: you're making the child become their disability. That's not inclusion, that's putting them on a pedestal that they are only on because of their disability. I can only think that doing that promotes completely the wrong image of disability in society.

I saw this a lot with the paralympics: paralympic athletes are called inspiring even before they've won anything whereas an olympic athlete has to achieve to be labelled as inspiring. That isn't equality. Equality is treating everyone the same no matter what they have to overcome in order to get to where they want to go.

Of course I think that people who choose to make the most of life when they have to live with a very hard disability are amazing, but I also think that people who choose to make the most of life no matter what are amazing. Of course I think a child with downs syndrome is cute, but I also think that any other child is cute. As a society we need to get better at recognizing the person behind the disability and not letting a disability take a person's identity over completely.

I just have this feeling...

Recently I've just not been feeling right in myself. I don't really have a reason for not feeling right but tonight I think I've at least been able to put a name to it; something I'm not able to do easily most of the time. The most prominent feeling in my mind right now seems to be one of unrest. This feeling doesn't seem justified: things are more or less the same as they have been for the last year or so, I can't see any change to my life other than growing a year older.

Along with this feeling there's a longing to move on and start the process of life beyond the same people, places and lessons that I've been around for as long as I remember. I'm tired of looking to the future, preparing for it and yet not having it quite within my reach. I have this naive yearn for everything  to just be exactly how I want it to be right now without having to work. I want what I want but I just want it now. I know that sounds like I'm a big spoilt brat who just wants what she can't have. Maybe that's exactly who I am, even though it's not who I want to be.

After saying that, I do have to say that I know that nothing will ever be exactly how how I want it to be: life's not perfect. It will take work to get my life near to what I want it to be right now, it'll always take work to get what I want. I just have to want it enough to work for it.

Maybe this feeling is just me getting tired of working. I don't know. I just know that I have to keep on going and so that's what I'll do.

Looking at it a different way

Today was my first day back at school and I was absolutely dreading it. For the first time in my life I just wasn't looking forward to any part of going back to school: I'd had a great summer and didn't want it to end. Last night when I'd finally dragged myself to do the reading set for summer homework I was still dreading going back today. However, part way through I was struck with this sense of motivation, I couldn't place what I was motivated for, I just felt motivated to do something. When I finished the reading I actually felt good and it was only then that I realized that I actually loved learning about new things. I just felt motivated to learn and realized that I had missed learning without knowing it at all.

I'd felt this feeling before but I've never really been able to identify it until yesterday, it's usually a fleeting feeling that doesn't last to what I really want to do. I found it did last today though and I found that I did enjoy the lessons in school, I liked learning new information. I think I've probably felt this before, I've just not consciously thought about it and the fact that this feeling is conscious this year makes it better. It almost allows me to appreciate the reason behind the feeling and I love that. I was looking at the day in a completely different way and it helped, it really did

This feeling made the first day of school better than it could have been. I had a new way of looking at the reason I was there and it didn't make it too bad. Looking at things you don't want to do in a new way  can make them better, you might even enjoy it. I'm going to do my best to do this in the future when I'm facing anything I'm really reluctant or unhappy about doing. Your state of mind may not be all it takes to make things better but I truly believe that looking at things in a new way can at least help a lot.

Love

Love is a powerful thing. It spawns a huge range of emotions: happiness, hurt and madness. When you love someone, really truly love another person in your life it is one of the greatest gifts of all. Love can come in so many forms: family, friends or partners and each person you love becomes a part of you and you a part of them. There are just those people who you know are special in your life, you just know when you're spending time with them.

Love can also hurt A LOT. Saying goodbye to loved ones sucks more than anything else. Loosing love you once had is so horrible and such a great loss. When a loved one is hurting in can hurt you as much as they are hurting. However, these things are an unfortunate necessity in everyone's life.

Ultimately, though, it's worth it. Love always comes out on top. If you have love you have everything you need to be happy.

I'm kinda awesome

Yesterday this thought just kind off popped into my head in the middle of the day. This made me realize that I actually do like my personality right now. I am happy with the person I have become in the past year or so and I am thankful for the people who have made me into this person. There are still some things that I would change about parts of myself, as an overall person, I like who I am right now. It's taken quite a journey to get here but it's been one of the most worthwhile and important journeys I've ever been on.

However, at first when I thought this I stopped myself and thought "no, that's me being big headed". I think that is one thing that has stopped my before: the impression that actually liking myself and seeing the good in me is a bad quality to have. There's a big message sent out in society that you're only a good person if you don't believe it. Even one of the most popular songs this year contains the lyrics "you don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful". Society just seems to send out this message too often and, honestly, this is one of the reasons I think that people, especially girls, put themselves down too often.

But thanks to some inspirational and amazing people who have come into my life and shown me that it is okay to actually like myself and kickstarted this journey to getting to this point. Yes it was an individual journey that I had to go on on my own but a few people really helped me along the way and I am eternally grateful for them.

I know that this realization will make me more confident and help me walk a little taller. I really believe that if more people tried to like themselves more then the world would be a much happier and much better place to live in. All you need to do is realize that you deserve to like and be kind to yourself, it's a great thing to feel.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you

This phrase is one I've seen around a lot recently and, while I agree that it is important, I don't think it's as simple as it seems. I do have people in my life who inspire me but I also feel like i see most of the people in my life as peers who aren't really inspirational. To me, this isn't ideal and I've spent a lot of time recently wishing I could find more people to be my friends who truly inspire me but not knowing how to change it. I was just feeling a bit stuck, hoping for things to improve in the future but not really doing anything to help myself.

Today I suddenly thought, I don't have to change the people around me, I only have to change the way I look at the people around me. The people around me may not all be the type who are classically and consciously inspirational, but there are definitely inspirational things about them. The amazing way the playleader at volunteering is able to calm down the children when they need it, the way my boyfriend is loyal and loving towards everyone, the way that my friends are what they are without apologizing and the way that the children I volunteer with can be cheered up immediately by the smallest thing. These are all inspiring qualities, things that I look up to and aspire to achieve. I just need to have the mindset that lets me see these qualities.

So from now on I'm going to make a conscious effort to notice these qualities in the people I'm around every day. People are inspirational in their nature, you just have to choose to see it in them. Maybe, by choosing to see this, you are able to not only be happier in your own life but also attract more of the people who you want to surround yourself with. See the beauty and more beauty will find you one day.

My journey to loving myself

A while a go I decided to start making a conscious effort to love and know myself better. I was on a mission to be the source of my own happiness and become my own best friend. I wanted to accept myself fully and unconditionally. A bit after that I realized that I do need other people in order to be happiest, I can't do it all on my own. I found that I needed love from other people in my life in order to really be able to start loving myself. It was good for me to realize this, I still wanted to accept and love myself more, I just found that I needed other people. Instead of embarking on a one woman solo journey I knew that I needed to bring people along on the journey with me.

I'm still very much on the journey to loving and accepting myself and I think it'll be a lifelong journey. But I know that the journey is, and will always be, the most important part of any change within and around myself. I've also come to realize that the decision I made to go on this journey was a huge step in the right direction. Before I made the conscious decision I was unconsciously on the journey. I believe that everyone is at some point on the path to acceptance and love of themselves, whether they know it or not, it's human nature.

I think that consciously saying "I want to improve my opinion of myself" shows that you have got to a place where they are aware of what you want your happiness to be. What I thought was the first step on the journey of loving myself may have been the most important step but I don't think it was the first. I think before then I was trying to change myself in order for acceptance but now I'm trying to accept myself without changing anything other than my mindset.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

—	Anna Quindlen

Home

"Is it possible that home can be a person, rather than a place?"
When I first saw this question my immediate answer was "yes". For me, home isn't a place: it's a very specific person, at one point it was a very specific group of people and at one point it was a place, it still is to an extent. This question made me really think about the reality of home and what the word really means. I think that everyone is in search of a home, maybe finding a home is really all anyone's true goal is. I also think that everyone has a different perception of what home is, it's a universal thing with millions of definitions.

I think that home is probably more of a feeling than a place, the feeling you get when something just feels completely and utterly right. Home is a unique state, something that is different to different people and something that changes throughout a person's lifetime. That's kind of beautiful really: how we can constantly find new homes find new places to belong throughout your life.
Right now my home is literally where my heart is, it's with the person I love the most. However, I also call the house and town that I grew up in my home, probably because I have never lived anywhere else. There is also an element of home in me when I'm doing the work that I love with the children who never fail to impact my life in such a huge way. I have one true home home but many other places that I feel at home.

I figure that all the different homes you accumulate over a life time make you exactly who you are in the end. Homes become embedded into you they shape you into the person you are more than anything else.

Please Listen: a poem

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people – because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try
to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you

-Unknown

I found this poem in Chicken Soup of the Teenage Soul, it's actually taught me a lot. I realized that I try to fix people's problems too much when they probably just want to be heard and understood, so I'm going to try and listen more than fix. I think a lot of people could learn from this poem too, it has a great message and that's why I'm sharing it!

Thoughts on saying goodbye to loved ones

In a way, goodbyes have been prominent in my life at the moment. With a combination of people I love and will miss going on holiday and the goodbyes that I know are just around the corner next year when I'm off to Uni, I've been thinking (and worrying) about them a lot. Saying goodbye to someone you love dearly is always horrible, even if it's only for a week or so it can be heart breaking. They're never permanent, I know the person/people I'm saying goodbye to will always be in my life in some way yet I still let myself be very affected by goodbyes.

However, I'm not sure that this is really a bad quality to have. It shows that I care a lot about people and that I have wonderful love in my life. I know that I would much rather care about and get emotional when I have to say goodbye to those I love than not have that love in my life. It's a blessing to have people who I love so much that saying goodbye hurts.

As well as this, I've noticed that, when you have to say goodbye to the people you love the most, you end up telling them how much they mean to you. Goodbyes are a good opportunity to truly let people know just how much they really do mean to you and express your love in the best way you know how. Goodbyes help you to say things that you might need to say to your loved ones.

Also, after the goodbyes are over and once you get to the hellos again it is the best feeling in the world. Seeing your loved one after an absence helps you to realize how much you love them, it's good for your relationships. It really is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Goodbyes are hard but maybe, at least sometimes, they're for the best.

I've lost that feeling of belonging on the internet

Lately I've just been feeling like I don't fit. There is literally one person in the world who I feel like I fit with and that is absolutely the best feeling in the world but within everything else I just don't feel like I fit anywhere else. It sucks. People I used to talk to all the time in the StarKid community have better friends now, ones who are available all the time and who are just better than me. I miss the times when I had my groups that I belonged to and I felt right with, I just don't feel that anymore. Life got in the way. I hate that I feel like this, I wish I could have kept how things were last summer and kept the feeling of closeness I had with so many people. I wish I could find that again, so badly, but I don't know how. I've tried, but I can't. The feeling of belonging is amazing, I know it well, but not as well as I did once. Things have changed, some for the absolute best but some for what feels like the worse. I just want to feel that sense of belonging I had all the time last summer. 

10 awesome things

1. That bump of the plane when you land safely
2. Feeling at home in someone's arms
3. Books that draw you in and make you think and feel
4. The sun shining just when you want it to
5. Feeling inspired by other people
6. Finding something you're good at
7. Laughing with the people that you love
8. Photographs that capture emotion perfectly
9. A comfy bed after a day that's made your feet sore
10. The smell of a campfire lingering in your hair

Not feeling special

Lately I have started to feel like everything that made me stand out isn't that original any more. Where I used to be the only person I know who liked the same things as me for the same reasons, others seem to be exactly the same. It has bothered me for a while, really. I liked being the person who likes this thing or the person who loves this person more than anyone else people know. But now I feel like other people have come a long and are exactly the same as me. I wouldn't have thought it would bother me, I'd have thought that it would be nice to have someone exactly the same, someone who got me and understood everything. But I've just found that it makes me feel downhearted and like I'm not special, I'm just one of many.

However, at the same time I know that I am unique and there is no one quite like me in the world, everyone is completely unique. But knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed, or unhappy, when I realize that someone is the same as me. It just feels like the little bits that make me different from the next person are taken away, taking away the little parts that make me the unique person I am.

This feeling reminds me of something I saw on twitter: "You're unique, just like everybody else." I struggle with this. It's such a contradiction, but it's true. Life seems full of contradictions. Maybe that's what life is. I've just got to work it out.

Learning to be brutally honest

So last night I was hanging out with my friends and I have this one friend who, honestly, has been upsetting me with the things that she does/says recently. It had got to the point that I was over thinking it this past week and her behaviour had really started to get me down. She just wasn't making me feel good when I was around her and it was upsetting me. I'd asked for advice and, every time, I'd be told to confront her and tell her how I was feeling. Since we mainly joke around I hadn't felt able to let her know that her behaviour was bothering me, I usually didn't feel like I could. So I just kept over thinking her behaviour and kept getting hurt by the things that she said/did, in my mind there was nothing I could do.

But last night she did something that annoyed me, not an extraordinary amount, just the usual. If she did this any time before last night I would have tried to get her back and ended up more hurt by her retaliation. However, last night I told her that I was sick of her doing things like that. I just came out and told her how I was feeling. Although I was initially met with mockery, after a while I really think she got that I was serious and that I really didn't like the way that she'd been treating me. She apologized and vowed to try and change.

If you would have told me before that this would be her response I would not have believed you. I would have practically laughed at you for thinking that she would care. But I realized yesterday that maybe she does actually care how I feel. Maybe I had been over thinking her actions a bit to much. Maybe, if I'd have been brutally honest with how I've been feeling some of the other times that she's done things like this, it would be different.

Last night was an eye opener, truly. It's shown me the power of just being brutally honest if someone who you consider a friend upsets you. It might just work out well for your relationships. This was a lot more personal than most of my other posts but I learnt a great lesson from it that I want to share. Being honest instead of bottling it up can feel so good and it may even set into motion a change that helps who knows how many people.

Rethinking some things

Lately I've been very into thinking "I have to be happy ON MY OWN. I can't rely on ANYTHING for happiness." I've kind of had this mentality of being happy that others make me happy but also feeling like I absolutely have to make myself happy all the time without any outside influences. But now I don't know if that's the right thing for me. I don't even know if that is possible. I think people are innately influenced by other people, it's just the way we are as human beings

I know that I can be happy when I'm on my own. Walking home, noticing the little amazing things or blasting my iPod is great. I can be truly happy doing that. However, I've kind of been working on the principle that I need to be able to do that all the time and not just on the occasional times that it happens. That's not good for me because it leads to me questioning why I'm not happy all the time when I'm alone and getting frustrated with it. That just doesn't work because it makes me less happy.

People are important to me. My friends and family make me happy. They just do, and I don't want that to change. Yes, sometimes they make me happier than I make myself and I didn't think that that was okay. I thought I needed to be able to do it for myself as well as letting others do it for me. But now I don't think that's possible. I just can't be as happy on my own as I am when I'm with those who are closest to me, it's not possible but that's okay. The people in my life make my life, it's how it is. I've come to realise that this is okay and that it's natural to feel this way. I need people I love it my life and I'm glad I do.

"Nothing in the world is going to be the sole source of all your happiness...finding happiness and finding confidence is something that is an inner journey that takes a long time that probably most of us will never fully reach. I don't think that there is anyone who has ever lived who is 100% happy and confident at all times. It's a journey and you should never feel like you should have to retain happiness or retain confidence because it's a journey."
- Jaime Lyn Beatty [x]

Taking time for myself

Yesterday I decided to take the day for myself. I'd been stressed about school work and whatnot the whole week and felt like my head was about to explode so I just decided that yesterday was a chill out day for me. It was a day to spend with myself, to help myself. It worked. I had a great day just relaxing and not having to do anything.

Today I had an urge to do a lot of things. So I did. I got things that need to be done done and I did some extra stuff. For once, it felt good. Usually I'm a lazy person, but today doing stuff felt right. It didn't feel like I had too much to think about and not enough brain space, which is a feeling I have experienced often this past week. It just felt good.

These were very different days but they were both good days.

Looking back on it now, the majority of both these days was spent doing things that I'd decided to do for me. Both days I was helping myself and motivating myself to just do what I felt like doing and to simply be me without other interference or having pressing jobs that simply had to be done by the end of the day. I was doing everything I did for me and no one else and it made me happy.

I think maybe I need more days like these. Days where I do things because it's what I want. After these two days I feel very relaxed and more peaceful with myself. I feel like this is what I needed. For the last week I've just felt as if my thoughts could not fit into my own head and it was exhausting, I couldn't think clearly and nothing was helping. But after these two days I feel good. My head feels clear and I feel good. Taking time for myself this weekend was the best decision I could possibly have made.

Confused feelings

Today, at a University open day I told my mum something that I have been thinking for quite a while now:
"I feel bad for having money."


This arose from hearing about the financial aspects and considerations that make up University life. I was stressing a little bit about the money I would need and how I would afford everything necessary in order to live away from home and buy everything that's needed. When talking to my mum about this, she calmed me down and told me about the money I would inherit when I turned 18 and that I would be eligible for loans from the government. Yes, this helped me to be a bit calmer about the costs of University but it also made me feel a bit bad. I know many people who aren't as fortunate with money as me and I know they'll struggle because everyone struggles with money at University.


I know I'm very lucky and I'm extremely thankful for it. But at the end of the day, the only reason I will be able to afford University comfortably is because my Dad died and left me with the money I'll need. This means that I'll be one of the lucky ones at University, I should (hopefully) be able to support myself with money from loans and everything else. But am I really lucky? I'll only be able to do this because my Dad died. I'd so much rather have my Dad than be able to pay for the costs of University fully. Yet I still feel lucky and 


This is something I'm struggling with right now. Feeling guilty because I have money but then I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty because I only have it because of a death. I just can't really sort it out in my mind right now. I don't know how I feel or even how I should be feeling.

Sharing experiences

As humans we are always influenced by others, it seems to be an innate feature of the himan race. We are social creatures, people around us will always influence us. It's how we work. Sharing experiences is great, it helps everyone. Talking or hearing about an experience can give people strength, motivation and a lifeline during hard times. The people around us shape our lives so much and do so so easily. We are all dependent on other people.

But, at the same time, we are all our own person. We all have different lives, different experiences and different ways that we deal with them. No one person is the same as another. We might go through similar experiences but nothing we ever do will be identical to somebody else, we're individuals who have their own thoughts and their own opinions. We own our lives, our experiences are very personal.

But our differences in life can help others. Seeing that someone else does something a different way may inspire you to change, or it might confirm that you have it right and are doing what's write for you.

However, there is so much power in sharing experiences. You don't have to share your experience, you could keep it to yourself, keep it as something personal. That's fine if it's what you want. But I feel like sharing your thoughts, sharing what you've done and how you've got through something can be a great thing for everyone around you. Sharing an experience with someone can inspire them, it can help them in the way they need it the most or it can just simply make you feel better.

For me, telling someone about something I've done or been through is like therapy. It gets it out of my head and lets me organize my thoughts. Hearing about someone else's experiences inspires me. Knowing that they can do so much and be so strong helps me to strive to be better and to be stronger. Other people will go through different things to what you go through but hearing how they dealt with something gives me strength to know that I can do anything and I'll be alright. Other people are inspiring. You just have to open yourself up to it.

Inspirational women

I just want to dedicate this post to all the amazing girls and women who inspire me every day.

I am so incredible lucky to know of and know some of the best, kindest and most inspirational women. They constantly help me through life without knowing it. Without some of the women I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am today. Recently, I've really come to love just how much other people are able to help you help yourself in some way. However, until recently I've only really noticed myself get inspired from afar, not directly by the people I consider friends. My perspective is shifting though, I've realised that your friends and the people you surround yourself with are just as inspirational and amazing as those you idolize.

I feel like one of the main reasons this has been something that has been on my mind recently is because I am opening myself up to it more. As part of my "mission" to improve myself etc. I have made more of an effort to be inspired. This has meant that I look for places to be inspired and so find them. Seek and ye shall find. That's something I've learnt through this realisation: the things I'm striving for are there, I just need to look for them. This has been on my mind recently when I've been talking to one of my friends a lot more. She's so strong and amazing, she can do so much and cares about so many people all at the same time. She's one of my close friends and is very similar to me, in other words my "twinny" but she inspires me so much. The way she handles everything, the advice she gives and the work she puts into what she loves reflects exactly how I want to be one day. I'm not too used to this, I'm not used to my friends inspiring me, I'm used to people I don't know inspiring me. That's great, but this gives me that extra bit of motivation, it shows me that I CAN do it because someone tangible, someone like me is doing everything and so I am shown that I can become who I want. Just knowing her has helped me more than I can ever express and I'm so lucky to be able to count her as a friend, thank you. You know who you are.

So many women have inspired me over time and each one of them have helped me become who I am today and are helping me become someone I need to be. Without ever really knowing it, people change us in amazing ways. I'm so lucky to be able to have access to these amazing women who have changed and will continue to change my life. People are important: cherish them.

New Experiences

Tomorrow I am going to be meeting up with one of my best friends for the very first time. I've only ever talked to her through technology but I love her dearly and can not wait to finally be able to yell in her face with happiness! However, I'm also scared stiff. I'm taking on a completely new experience, going somewhere I've never gone before and meeting someone I've never met before. It's scary. Luckily my mum will be with me for 90% of my journey then I'll be with my friend for most of the day.

There was a time when a big portion of the journey would be done on my own but my mum stepped in and decided to help me get through it. I'm so thankful for that and I know that, if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't be nearly as happy going into tomorrow. Thank God for Mums!

 But there will be a little time (literally 15 minutes) when I won't be with anyone, when I'll be travelling to our meeting place alone. This is totally new for me. I've never, ever gone on a new journey on my own, I've never traveled somewhere I've never been before, on completely alien transport alone. It's going to be completely new.

I think that is the part of the journey I am dreading the most. The fact that I will be totally independent, travelling somewhere new on my own for the first time ever. It's scary. But it's certainly not the first time I'm going to have to be totally independent in a new experience, it'll happen my whole life, I know it will and I look forward to having independence. But it doesn't stop it being scary.

This journey will be a big thing for me. The 15 minute bus ride isn't much but it's a lot for me, right now. It's the first bus ride I'll be taking on my own, without someone who's done it before or any prior knowledge of it.It's a big step for me: my first step into independence and I can't wait. But at the same time, I know that this first step will be hard and terrifying. To anyone else, it's probably nothing, but to me it's big. It's all relative.

Maybe that's what I need though, I need to do this because it's an important life skill. It's something that will help me with my next scary, unknown experience. It's something that I will always be able to draw from. This will be the first of many new experiences in my life time. Maybe it'll help me grow and make the next time I'm stepping into the unknown that little bit easier and more manageable.