Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone

This blog is inspired by a line in this poem:

Ever since it was posted on Glow* this poem has basically been a big part of my life motto. I'm trying to help myself be more comfortable on my own at the moment and a lot of it has been due to and helped by this poem.

One of the things that I've really been working on right now is the art of letting myself go without technology. As most people my age, I'm often on my phone or plugged into my iPod, listening to music to keep me company. But this month I've started to let myself just be alone with me more. When I'm walking home I don't put my headphones in and let music keep me company: I keep myself company and let myself be enough. Listening to my own thoughts and the nature around me is enough on these walks. I don't get bored, as I would have done, because I've learnt to listen to myself. It feels good. My head gets so overcrowded at times, it's good to have those times when I'm travelling to my next task to just be with me.

Of course I still appreciate company when I have it, I've just learnt not to need company all the time. It's good and it's helping me become a better person, to know myself more and maybe start loving myself as I would a friend. Not being dependent on technology to keep me company is a big step in this journey and it feels good to be there.

On my own

This journey I've decided to go on seems to be one that can only be achieved through spending time on my own. I've never really been good at this before, despite being an only child I was never alone, I always had people around me, even if it was only my parents.

But this year, especially these past couple of weeks, I've had to learn how to be on my own more and how to be happy with that. It's a process, but I think it's a process that's good for me. Learning how to spend my frees in the library, working alone so that I can have some me time and am able to relax it home a bit more is good for me. I know there'll be a lot more of this needing to happen in the future and so learning to do it now is good.

This is also good for my learning how to love myself like a friend mission that I'm on right now. It's a way of forcing myself to spend time with myself when I'd usually previously be spending it with a friend. It's helping me become my own friend, helping me see myself that way. Being forced to spend time on my own isn't really making me feel lonely at the moment, it's helping me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and the people in my life. I love spending time with them when I can and I wish I saw them more. I just don't feel as lonely when it's not possible to spend time with them. I'm not to the point where I'm completely confident in spending time alone, but I'm on my way.

Learning to love myself

Something I've been hearing a lot about lately is how you have to be your own best friend and love yourself how you would love a friend. Up until recently this concept was completely foreign to me, it still kind of is in many ways.

I've always struggled with the concept of being nice to yourself and liking yourself. I do believe that everyone is beautiful and I know that me believing that means that I am beautiful as well, I just struggle to believe that I'm beautiful. It's quite a hypocritical thing to say if you think about it, I preach that every person on this earth is beautiful yet can't quite apply it to me. I feel like the main reason for this is that I kind of feel as if, if someone thinks they're beautiful, they're considered big headed. It's not okay in society to think that you are pretty, that you are perfect how you are. Liking your looks is just not okay with people.

I want to like myself and love my looks, it's just not enough. I just don't know how to love my looks. I don't think I'm hideous and ugly, I just don't particularly think I look good a lot of the time. I don't want to think like that, I just do and I'm not sure how to change it.

Being your own best friend is a concept that is definitely alien to me. I've always had people in my life, always. I've always had friends, even if I didn't appreciate that I did. I don't know what it's like to be completely alone. I know what it's like to feel lonely, sure, I've felt lonely countless times in my life but I've never felt truly alone. I am so, so lucky for this. But this has meant that I haven't ever been forced to be my own best friend, I've never needed to get to know myself because I've always had people to get to know who weren't me. Hopefully, I'll always have that but now I feel like I should also make an effort to get to know me, to love me as I would a friend. Maybe then, I'll learn to love myself and find myself beautiful.

I need to change the way I view myself before I can grow any more.

This is my new journey and I'm going to try to document it on here.

Part of something

Suddenly, today I have just had this overwhelming urge to just be a part of a group. It isn't a very logical urge: I am part of quite a few groups of friends and I love them all dearly. I just feel disconnected to them right now.

But I hate this feeling. I love the people I surround myself with and wouldn't want to live without them, I just feel like I'm missing that close knit group who do so much together. I kind of feel like I almost have that right now, it's just that things just always get in the way.

Free time

Lately, I've been finding myself having less free time and realizing that this free time will steadily decrease as I get older. This wasn't a very pleasant thing to realize really. However, whilst I was realizing this, I also realized that I will still have some free time. There'll always be some time that I can have where I don't have anything that I need to do. There will probably be lots of things I want to do.

As part of this realization/changing in my life, I think I've learnt to tell the difference between what I want to do and what I need to do. I used to complain about not having any free time if I could hardly be on the internet in a day, or hardly watch tv or whatever. But now I'm trying to teach myself that those times when I've been with my friends all day aren't a loss of free time, they're just a different way of spending it. I've realized that I can go a day without tumblr or youtube and still be happy that I've had a good day because I've been with the people who are most special to me.

Sure, I'd love to have time to do everything I want, I'd love to be able to live like I don't have anything I need to do. But that's not possible, and it's not going to be possible much for a long time. So I have to appreciate and be thankful for all the free time I do have. I'm learning to know when I have time to spend on whatever I want and to spend it wisely.

"Loneliness is state of mind"

This is something I've been thinking about a lot for a while now. I guess what started this is the quote I've used as the title, taken from Julia Albain's book. Something ignited the spark again was someone telling me "apparently, everyone in the world can be connected by a web of 7 people".

These quotes have become forever linked in my mind. I can truly believe that every person in the world can be connected by just a few people. Think about how many people we see on a daily basis? Whenever you leave your house you see new people, if only for a few seconds. In those seconds they are part of your life and you are a part of theirs. You might never see them again, you might see them often and develop a relationship. Either way, they've been part of your life for those few, fleeting seconds you've shared a present.

Thinking like this, it's easy to see how many different people you must be connected to in some way, however small. You touch so many lives, it is impossible to be truly alone in this world. Our lives are so perfectly interlinked with so many other people that there is no way you can ever be truly, truly alone.

It's so easy to feel alone, though. I've felt it many times. When you don't believe you're being noticed, or when you don't think anyone cares about you. But something will drag you out of this, something or someone will help you. Life's not easy, but always try to believe that you are not alone. You are connected to so many people, and you'll find it out on your way through.

Apparently I have opinions about divorce

By the time we're old, I wonder how many people will be celebrating their 60 something anniversary, I wonder how many people will have stayed together for a long time. How many people will have married, divorced and married again? I hope there are still a lot of people who have been together for a very long time, I hope I get to experience someone my age celebrating a diamond wedding anniversary and them still being an amazing couple who are just right.

The way things are heading, this seems unlikely. So many people are divorcing, remarrying and sometimes divorcing again. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; if you aren't happy with your partner and there's something that means it's impossible to carry on with them then divorce and remarriage is probably what's best. However, people nowadays seem to give up on marriage too easily. I don't think a lot of people try. I know some people have the view that you can always get divorced if marriage doesn't work out. While that is true, you shouldn't go into a marriage thinking that. You should go into a marriage thinking that you want to be with this person forever, no matter what. Things are far too rushed, far too easy to get out of at the moment.

These thoughts stemmed from a post I saw on tumblr..
"A reporter asked a couple: "how did you manage to stay together for 65 years?£
The woman replied, "we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away""

I think we need more of that thinking in society, in my opinion, society would be a lot better if we did.

I'm not saying you should never get divorced: of course there are many times when divorce is the only option. But divorce should be a last resort, not a simple solution.

My very own love story

So this is going to be a bit of a sappy one, but it's something I want to get out, just to have it here for safekeeping.
WARNING: this is going to be sappy and it's really only for one person's benefit so don't feel like you have to read it or anything. It's going to be a lot more autobiographical than a lot of things I've put on here recently.

So, as a lot of you probably know, I got a boyfriend not so long a go (3 months a go exactly if we're being exact). I haven't really shared "my story" with anyone at all really so, here goes. The amazing, sweet boy in question is someone I've known for a very long time. We essentially grew up together, drifting in and out of each other's lives, but always maintaining some form of contact throughout the years. As long as I can remember, he's been a friend.

A couple of years a go, things started to change a bit. We became closer than we ever had before, simply because we ran in the same friendship circles. Soon, he was one of my best friends: one of the few who remained from a big group I once had. I couldn't have been happier with my friendship group and my social life at that time. Several times during that time I thought about him differently, but every time I did I suppressed it as just hopefulness, I thought I was just convincing myself that something false was true, a crime I have committed many times before. We carried on, as we were until we started college in September. He moved to a different area that was still close by but meant that we got the same bus. This brought us even closer together and something definitely started to change. I can't pinpoint the exact time it did, but as we got closer my feelings started to change. After quite a while, he told me his true feelings and I knew what I wanted. So, after about a month of kind of dating but not really, he asked me out and we fell in love.

Suddenly, I understood the loved up songs. Every song became about him, he was all I could thing of and I knew this thing would last. So far, it has lasted. I know the likelihood of it lasting as long as I want it to is pretty slim, but stranger things have happened and I have hope.In short, this is my very own "epic love story". It might not seem much, but the past three months have been the best time of my life so far and I don't want anything to change. He makes everything better by just being there, I don't know what I'd do without him. I just hope I can offer half as much support as he gives me.

This post was overdue and probably didn't say everything I want it to, but there you go.

The future

So, long time no post. There is a good reason for this: until yesterday we had had no internet for over three weeks. So sorry for the irregular posting, but I'm going to try to improve now!

Lately, and especially this week the subject of growing up has been thrust upon me in a way. For a while we have been talking a lot about university at school and this week it was reinforced further. We had a trip to a UCAS convention where we could find out more about universities and we got our results from the recent exams. This was all stressful and hard and forced everyone to think about their futures and what is coming next.

I'm preparing for university, organising myself with open days and doing my research. I've been told I'm being very mature with it, but in my opinion I'm just doing what I need to do; being sensible. Our head of year told us that you're either really excited to go to university and are doing your research and getting ready or you're scared and holding back, not really preparing yourself. My response to that: I'm both! I'm preparing myself and getting ready, doing my research and everything that needs doing but and the same time I'm dreading it. I'm scared. I'm so scared about what's going to happen when I get there, how I'm going to fit in and, most importantly, how I'm going to keep surrounding myself with the amazing people who are in my life now when we all go off to different parts of the country.

I have such a wonderful group of friends right now. I've known them for different amounts of time but I can't imagine my life without any one of the people in it right now. I don't know what it'll be like not being in the same  place as these people everyday. I'm terrified of leaving and drifting away from my friends. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch with my friends but I know people drift apart, I know the likelihood of having these people in my life all the time but it doesn't stop me hoping that we'll stay in touch at least. I'm worried about leaving home. I know I want to move out, become independent and get the experience of controlling my own life. But at the same time, I don't want to leave this town I grew up in; these people I've known all my life and my mum on her own. I know it has to be done, I just don't want it to be done.

Leaving is going to be scary and emotional but I know it has to be done. I know university will turn out to be great and I'll probably have the best time of my life there. But it doesn't stop the worries. I am a worrier by nature. I know that. These worries are coming early: I have over a year until I'm off to university. But they still bother me: it's the kind of person I am. Some days these worries dominate, other days they're not so important to me. But they're always there. I think they'll be there until I'm out of here. I just need to stop letting them get at me as much. Start living the moment and looking at the positives more than I look and the negatives. Maybe I need a complete attitude change about what is to come. But whatever happens, it's scary and I'm a worrier. I think I just need to learn to not let the worrier take over and relax a little bit.

Indecision

Last night, I was talking to my best friend. I haven't properly talked to her in a while and it was nice. We didn't have a very long conversation, but talking to her about anything and everything, as I know I always can felt good.

Me and my friend are quite different from each other, we like the same things but have different opinions, different personalities, as people do. At one point in our conversation, she said to me "you're so lucky" and told me why she thought so. She's right. I am lucky right now. My life is good and I know it, I'm so unbelievably grateful for it. One of the reasons she said this is that I have a clear path in my head for my life, I have a career that I'm heading towards, that I know I'll enjoy whereas she is unsure of what she wants to do.

This is a good thing for many reasons: it's easier to plan for; I have something solid to work towards and I can see a place where I'll be doing exactly what I want to be doing. However, there is still some element of indecision in my mind. I know what I want to do but, at the same time there are so many other things I'd love to spend my life doing. I love writing and creating worlds that are mine, sharing my thought. I love helping people, talking through any problems they may have and trying to help them solve them. I love organizing things, I'd love to be working backstage on plays.

But I'm not planning to go into writing, therapy or theatre in university. I'm planning to go into teaching children with special needs. I want to do this because I love it. No other reason. Just because I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing the other things. Maybe the only reason I'm choosing to do an Education course is because it is the only one I can see leading to a stable, relatively easy to get into career. Writing is hard, I don't get ideas very often and when I do, it takes time for me to get them down. As much as I love talking to people who need help over the internet and trying to help them that way, I'm not very  good with talking face to face. I want to help people with their problems but am not very good at putting that want into practice. I can't act, or draw, or sing. The only creative thing that I am decent at is writing. If I went into theatre I'd need to be directing or organizing everything backstage and, from what I've heard, it's best to act or have another talent in that field in order to do those things.

So I don't choose being a writer, therapist or actor/backstage person. I choose being a teacher to children with special needs. I know I love it. I know that I can do it. But there's always that feeling there that I could be equally as happy doing something else. I could lead just as fulfilling life, maybe a more fulfilling life doing something else. But I've chosen. I've chosen the one that I've thought about most, that I discovered first. I've done this, partly because it's easiest, partly because it's the one I think I'll enjoy most.

I guess no one can ever be certain of what they want all of the time. In a way I envy those who are unsure. They could do anything, they still have so many options to explore. It's scary but exciting and life will surprise you more. I plan to continue writing for as long as I enjoy it, to continue trying to help people as much as possible and continue to organize things for my friends because it makes me happy.

I plan to live by these words of AJ Holmes:
"As long as you keep those multiple plates balancing you never get too bored"

It's that time of year

Christmas time is great. It's cheerful and happy and a time when you can snuggle up inside and have fun. But it's always kind of depressing for me. As I'm sure it is for many other people.

If you don't know my dad died in early January 2007. Over Christmas time 2006 he was very ill and we knew he was going to die soon. Fortunately, he could come home for Christmas day and we had a great day with family, just how Christmas should be.

But ever since then Christmas has been a bit bitter sweet for me. There's always the reminder of that last Christmas my dad was here, the last time he was at home. Naturally it's got easier over the years and I think about my dad every day but it'll never be easy at Christmas. There'll always be a bit of sadness in me over this time of the year.

Maybe that's good. Maybe it helps me appreciate the good times I have and it helps me to see how lucky I am. Maybe Christmas is a time for remembrance and being a bit sad.

I do know that I want to do something with this experience. I've known it for years. I don't know how and I don't know what. I just know that I want to help others who are in the same situation as I was. At this time in my life I didn't have anyone who was my age who was willing to talk to me about what was happening, who understood a little bit of what I was going through. I want to give that to other people. The only problem is that I don't know how to do that. I know I want to do it and have known for years, I just don't know what format to do it in. Also, I don't think I have time to do it right now. My willingness is there, I just don't know if it is possible or if I can physically do it.

Maybe it's something I'll do one day. Maybe it's something that will happen when it is meant to. Maybe I'll never get round to it. Hopefully it'll happen someday.

No regrets

I'm really happy right. Happy with my life and happy with myself. I might not be happy with my school life but that is just one small part of my life and, overall, I'm happy. It's good. I'm lucky.

There are many many reasons for this, I'm not going to bore you with them. But I know that I couldn't feel this way if the way my past was had been different. My past has made me who I am today, every moment of my life has determined this one. I just know I couldn't be me now if even one little thing was different in the past 16 and a bit years. It's hard to fully explain but something I've been thinking about a lot so I'm going to try and do my best to say what I mean

For quite a few years I've had the view that I have no regrets. I know that having this view might make me sound cliched or like I've not made any mistakes and had a perfect life but I haven't. I've had hard times, been embarrassed by my own actions and felt guilty about things. But ultimately, these things have made me who I am today. Yes, I wish some things hadn't have happened but I don't know who I'd be if they hadn't, I don't know what my life would be like now if I hadn't have gone through what I have. This makes me think that I'm almost happy that I experienced most of these things because, right now, I'm happy with me. I'm happy with my life. Other people might not be, but I am.

I've heard people say "I wish I'd had x, y, z, at this time in my life" and I just think, if you did, you wouldn't be you. If you had what you wanted in your hardest time then you don't know what you'd be like now. The worst year of your life was hard and terrible but without it you wouldn't know as much as you do now. You'd be clueless about that particular issue and you couldn't help people who are similar to you now. No one deserves to suffer as much as some people do but, most of the time, suffering creates a better people, suffering creates people who can give others what they need. In the end, you got through your hard times, you had everything you needed, it was hard but you managed and now you can be what other people need.

Maybe this is a naive way of looking at things but I believe that your hard experiences are what will give you the best things. Hard years might create the best friendships. Without that year you may not have known how strong you are. Or how many people cared about you.

Everything you experience makes you you and you are perfect.

A few words stolen from Julia Albain that I couldn't not share

I love the changing of seasons.  I love people in general.  I love families of all kinds.  I love getting close to people, the comfort of knowing their little secrets... and them knowing mine.  I love laughter and dancing and music and the amazing feeling of creating something massive out of the efforts of many.  I love cheesy inspirational quotes, and I love making people feel better.  I love making people laugh when they are sad.  I love laughing in general.  I love being teased, because I think it means you truly love and respect me.  I love this life.  I love the surprises.  I love it all.

Harry Potter

Since becoming part of the StarKid fandom I have become a bit involved in the Harry Potter fandom. There's no way you can't do so if you're on tumblr. I didn't truly grow up with Harry Potter. I read the books once when they came out but didn't go to see the movies for many reasons. So I knew the story and I heard about the films but I never watched them. I still haven't seen the sixth film. A lot of people grew up with Harry Potter. Harry Potter has always been their life. I wish I was like that.

But, even though I didn't grow up with Harry Potter in the way most people did I still grew up with Harry Potter, everyone my age did. Most people read the books growing up. Most people watched the movies. A lot of people loved them so much and they shaped their lives. A lot of people also read the books, watched the movies and that was it. A few people never read Harry Potter, never saw the movies, didn't care about them.

No matter which category you fall into Harry Potter still changed your life in some way. It couldn't not. Each time a new book or a new film was released the whole world knew about it. If you left the house or watched TV or were on the internet at any point, you'd know there was a new Harry Potter event coming up. You heard about it, you most likely knew people who loved the series and were extremely excited about it. So it affected your life. It just did. If you were born in the 90s you knew about Harry Potter and it affected your life in some way.

Harry Potter is a book series that changed the world. Just by existing and having fans. It's changed so many people's lives and so many people are connected by it. It's a fact of life now.

Some feelings

I'm happy. I'm extremely happy. Because he feels the same way. Because he's my best friend and it could be perfect. Because I love him, in many ways. Because it started a while a go. Because people say we'd be cute together. Because I finally found out and I was right. I'm confused. Because I just don't know how I feel. Because I never know how I feel. Mostly I'm scared. Scared that I'll hurt him. Scared that I'll loose him. Scared of what could happen. Scared I'll ruin everything because I know he would never hurt me. Scared because it's different. I'm unsure about everything. I have so many questions. But I don't know if I want to know the answers. I don't know what I'm feeling properly. I never do. If you know me in real life can you just pretend you haven't seen this please? This was just something I had to get out somewhere.

Community

Every year, in the end of year assembly before our summer holidays the head of my school would say the same thing. He would talk for a long time about communities and what they were and how our school was. Every year I would ignore it. But recently, I've been thinking a lot about communities and today I realized that I've been thinking basically the same thing he told us every year, the same thing I ignored every year. If I could remember what he said I'd put it here but I can't, so I'm going to put it in my own words in an attempt to convey my meaning best I can.

I believe that we are all part of communities. We might not notice them, but we are. Anyone you are around daily, anyone you love and anyone you're stuck with are part of one of your communities. Your family, your school, your friends. They're all people you share your life with, they're part of your life whether you like it or not and I have come to believe that everyone who is part of your life is part of one of the communities you are in.

Communities can be close, they can be distant. Your friends are a close community, they're the people you have chosen to share your life with, so they are the most important. School is a community, it can be a distant one, it can be a close one. You might not like school, or half of the people you're at school with but it's still a community. You're sharing your lives together. You're not sharing a lot of your life with most but you;re still sharing something with them. I think that's what makes a group of people a community, shared experience. I consider my household a community, there may only be two of us but we are a unit, a community.

I grew up going to church. I am the only person my age who still goes to the same church I have been going to since I was about three. I consider that to be one of my communities. I have grown up with a lot of the adults there, most of them recognize me and know me but I'm not close to a lot of them. I'm grateful that I have this experience of growing up in a church, with adults who have been around me most of my life but I just wish there were more of them I'm close with. There's nothing I can do about who I grew up with and who I am close with as a result of that but I think it's the fact that I only grew up closely with a handful of them meant that I didn't appreciate it until now.

I'm watching other children grow up in my church and every week I wonder how many of them will still be there when they're my age. Most won't be. This makes me sad in a way, because they won't have the stability I had, they'll never know what it's like to grow up around people you see at church once a week. But they'll find their own communities, they might have big families, or lots of friends around them. Whatever, I think we'll all find communities that will make them who they become.

It all comes down to people. Everything is about the people in our lives. They make us who we are, they influence us the most.

“My most up-to-date philosophy is this:  Love. People.  Love them non-stop, no questions asked.  Love people, and fight for Gratitude and Forgiveness always.  The Truth is, sometimes you have to teach yourself to love and appreciate the greatest things in life... because you won’t always catch it at first glance”

- Julia Albain

I wanted to get this out...

"Maybe I'm alone in this but I find peace in solitude"
-He Is We

That is basically how I've been feeling lately. I've just been feeling down this week. I've not been right, probably for many reasons. Maybe it's something to do with Autumn arriving or being stressed out with college, I don't really know.

Another note on internet friends

Today I just feel like I need to say something about the friends I've made over the past few months over the internet. Since I started using tumblr I have made some amazing friends. I started talking to people through tumblr and found some of the most amazing people, people who have quickly become some of my best friends. No, I haven't met any of them in person but they mean as much to be as my real life friends. I can't believe I've only known them a few months, it feels like I've known them forever and I can't imagine life without them now. I never want to know what life without them is.

I'm going to take this opportunity to say a bit about the people who have changed my life without ever meeting me face to face:
Shann:
I don't know what I'd do without this girl, I really don't. She is one of the most beautiful, funniest, loveliest people I know. She's an amazing writer and I can't help but smile when I'm talking to her, we talk almost every day and I wouldn't have it any other way (hey that rhymes)! We're so similar it's unbelievable. If I'm down and she knows about it, she'll help me and, often, just talking to her cheers me up, I guess she's just one of those people. The amount of random, inside jokes we have is stupid. Usually, there are more texts in my phone from her than my "real life" friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. I fear for whoever is near when we finally meet each other. I love her to bits, she's perfect. I hope she never changes.

Tasha:
This girl is another one of the most beautiful, funniest people in the world. She's the only person I can fangirl about my weird obsessions with the StarKids friendships to, because she's the same. We're thilly and weird and crazy together. I've lost count of how many sing a longs we've had in each other's ask boxes, I love it! Her blog is flawless, she literally has the best things on there and her obsession with Lauren Lopez is amazing. When we meet we're going to re create so many things and roll on the floor and just be goof balls together, I can't wait!

Cassie:
My life's goal is to hug this girl. For two reasons: number one, I think she gives really good hugs and number two, she's amazing. She really is. A message from her always brightens up my day and we have really similar goals so that's cool! She's really caring and lovely and just an amazing person. Every now and again, she'll message me telling me something that makes my day or she'll just be silly and make me laugh. I want to meet her so badly and I'm sure it'll happen one day. I'm counting on it!

Those are just my three closest friends right now, I have quite a few more who I promise I'll dedicate some space to at some point but, for now, that's it. These three girls are some of my best friends. They're the ones I can tell anything to, the ones who will instantly cheer me up. I can't wait to meet them and hug them and be freaks with them, it will happen. I promise you.

I feel like I've written this blog, or a variation of this blog many times but this is the first time I'm writing it when I feel like I've actually been through what I'm talking about. The other times I've been speaking about experiences I've seen, people I don't really know. But now I can finally say that I have friends I know from the internet who I couldn't imagine life without. I love them as much as my friends I've known most of my life. They are my forever friends, we found each other through common interests and they have changed my life. For good.

The Stars

This morning I was on my friend's tumblr and saw that she'd wrote this beautiful piece of writing. The funny thing is, a couple of nights ago I was feeling the same.

In case you were to lazy to read it, it's a post about the stars and stuff. On Friday night I went to a youth group. Our usual place to meet has been shut down so we had a BBQ and, luckily, it was exactly the right weather for it. It was warm and clear skied. Instead of spending the night being hyper and really sociable I ended up sitting with a group of friends, eating, talking and lying down looking at the stars. It was amazing. The weather was perfect. It was warm but not to warm once it was dark and the sky was completely cloudless. There was one person  there who I'd never really talked to and I spent most of the night either sitting talking to him or lying on the grass, looking up at the stars talking to him. I loved it.

I don't get to see the stars very often. I'm not out after dark a lot of the time and when I am I'm usually inside somewhere or it's to cloudy to see the stars. Whenever I do get a glimpse, though, I find it amazing. The nights sky really is amazing. All those little pricks of light up there, all those burning pieces of mass. What I find most amazing is the fact that those little holes of silver are so far away, so different from how they seem now. Apparently, we see the nights sky as it was in Shakespeare's time. That's mind blowing, isn't it? The sky we see doesn't really look like that now, it's from the past. It's forever changing. How long until people see what the stars are like now? What marker will they use for it?

Looking up at the stars gives you a real sense of how everything is so much bigger than you. The darkness, the little bits of light, they go on forever. We don't know what's out there, we know there's something but we don't know what and I don't think we'll ever know.

I just can't quite wrap my head around it and, like so many other things I can't put my feelings into words right. Just go read Shann's post. It sums up most of what I've been trying to say, as always, other people can put my thoughts into words better than I can.

One last thing I want to say is that, when I read my friend's post this morning I felt like it was just perfect. On Friday I was quietly thinking to myself how amazing the stars and the night's sky was, then the next night one of my closest friends right now was thinking more or less the same thing. Universal connections.

It's October...

So it's suddenly October. I've been pathetic at blogging through September, I just wasn't motivated. I'm still not that motivated, I just need to blog. Maybe I blogged myself out in August, I just haven't been feeling like blogging recently. I tried, I just never had any motivation, nothing to share. My life's been pretty hectic right now, I've had college work and tumblr and that's about it for the past few weeks. I have such a boring life, I know. I just haven't had anything to blog about. As I've said before.

This is just kind of me checking in and making excuses again. Sorry, it's not much but it's a blog! I'll try to blog more and better this month but, for now, this is the best I have...