1. That bump of the plane when you land safely
2. Feeling at home in someone's arms
3. Books that draw you in and make you think and feel
4. The sun shining just when you want it to
5. Feeling inspired by other people
6. Finding something you're good at
7. Laughing with the people that you love
8. Photographs that capture emotion perfectly
9. A comfy bed after a day that's made your feet sore
10. The smell of a campfire lingering in your hair
About Me
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Monday, 16 July 2012
Not feeling special
Lately I have started to feel like everything that made me stand out isn't that original any more. Where I used to be the only person I know who liked the same things as me for the same reasons, others seem to be exactly the same. It has bothered me for a while, really. I liked being the person who likes this thing or the person who loves this person more than anyone else people know. But now I feel like other people have come a long and are exactly the same as me. I wouldn't have thought it would bother me, I'd have thought that it would be nice to have someone exactly the same, someone who got me and understood everything. But I've just found that it makes me feel downhearted and like I'm not special, I'm just one of many.
However, at the same time I know that I am unique and there is no one quite like me in the world, everyone is completely unique. But knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed, or unhappy, when I realize that someone is the same as me. It just feels like the little bits that make me different from the next person are taken away, taking away the little parts that make me the unique person I am.
This feeling reminds me of something I saw on twitter: "You're unique, just like everybody else." I struggle with this. It's such a contradiction, but it's true. Life seems full of contradictions. Maybe that's what life is. I've just got to work it out.
However, at the same time I know that I am unique and there is no one quite like me in the world, everyone is completely unique. But knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed, or unhappy, when I realize that someone is the same as me. It just feels like the little bits that make me different from the next person are taken away, taking away the little parts that make me the unique person I am.
This feeling reminds me of something I saw on twitter: "You're unique, just like everybody else." I struggle with this. It's such a contradiction, but it's true. Life seems full of contradictions. Maybe that's what life is. I've just got to work it out.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Learning to be brutally honest
So last night I was hanging out with my friends and I have this one friend who, honestly, has been upsetting me with the things that she does/says recently. It had got to the point that I was over thinking it this past week and her behaviour had really started to get me down. She just wasn't making me feel good when I was around her and it was upsetting me. I'd asked for advice and, every time, I'd be told to confront her and tell her how I was feeling. Since we mainly joke around I hadn't felt able to let her know that her behaviour was bothering me, I usually didn't feel like I could. So I just kept over thinking her behaviour and kept getting hurt by the things that she said/did, in my mind there was nothing I could do.
But last night she did something that annoyed me, not an extraordinary amount, just the usual. If she did this any time before last night I would have tried to get her back and ended up more hurt by her retaliation. However, last night I told her that I was sick of her doing things like that. I just came out and told her how I was feeling. Although I was initially met with mockery, after a while I really think she got that I was serious and that I really didn't like the way that she'd been treating me. She apologized and vowed to try and change.
If you would have told me before that this would be her response I would not have believed you. I would have practically laughed at you for thinking that she would care. But I realized yesterday that maybe she does actually care how I feel. Maybe I had been over thinking her actions a bit to much. Maybe, if I'd have been brutally honest with how I've been feeling some of the other times that she's done things like this, it would be different.
Last night was an eye opener, truly. It's shown me the power of just being brutally honest if someone who you consider a friend upsets you. It might just work out well for your relationships. This was a lot more personal than most of my other posts but I learnt a great lesson from it that I want to share. Being honest instead of bottling it up can feel so good and it may even set into motion a change that helps who knows how many people.
But last night she did something that annoyed me, not an extraordinary amount, just the usual. If she did this any time before last night I would have tried to get her back and ended up more hurt by her retaliation. However, last night I told her that I was sick of her doing things like that. I just came out and told her how I was feeling. Although I was initially met with mockery, after a while I really think she got that I was serious and that I really didn't like the way that she'd been treating me. She apologized and vowed to try and change.
If you would have told me before that this would be her response I would not have believed you. I would have practically laughed at you for thinking that she would care. But I realized yesterday that maybe she does actually care how I feel. Maybe I had been over thinking her actions a bit to much. Maybe, if I'd have been brutally honest with how I've been feeling some of the other times that she's done things like this, it would be different.
Last night was an eye opener, truly. It's shown me the power of just being brutally honest if someone who you consider a friend upsets you. It might just work out well for your relationships. This was a lot more personal than most of my other posts but I learnt a great lesson from it that I want to share. Being honest instead of bottling it up can feel so good and it may even set into motion a change that helps who knows how many people.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Rethinking some things
Lately I've been very into thinking "I have to be happy ON MY OWN. I can't rely on ANYTHING for happiness." I've kind of had this mentality of being happy that others make me happy but also feeling like I absolutely have to make myself happy all the time without any outside influences. But now I don't know if that's the right thing for me. I don't even know if that is possible. I think people are innately influenced by other people, it's just the way we are as human beings
I know that I can be happy when I'm on my own. Walking home, noticing the little amazing things or blasting my iPod is great. I can be truly happy doing that. However, I've kind of been working on the principle that I need to be able to do that all the time and not just on the occasional times that it happens. That's not good for me because it leads to me questioning why I'm not happy all the time when I'm alone and getting frustrated with it. That just doesn't work because it makes me less happy.
People are important to me. My friends and family make me happy. They just do, and I don't want that to change. Yes, sometimes they make me happier than I make myself and I didn't think that that was okay. I thought I needed to be able to do it for myself as well as letting others do it for me. But now I don't think that's possible. I just can't be as happy on my own as I am when I'm with those who are closest to me, it's not possible but that's okay. The people in my life make my life, it's how it is. I've come to realise that this is okay and that it's natural to feel this way. I need people I love it my life and I'm glad I do.
"Nothing in the world is going to be the sole source of all your happiness...finding happiness and finding confidence is something that is an inner journey that takes a long time that probably most of us will never fully reach. I don't think that there is anyone who has ever lived who is 100% happy and confident at all times. It's a journey and you should never feel like you should have to retain happiness or retain confidence because it's a journey."
- Jaime Lyn Beatty [x]
I know that I can be happy when I'm on my own. Walking home, noticing the little amazing things or blasting my iPod is great. I can be truly happy doing that. However, I've kind of been working on the principle that I need to be able to do that all the time and not just on the occasional times that it happens. That's not good for me because it leads to me questioning why I'm not happy all the time when I'm alone and getting frustrated with it. That just doesn't work because it makes me less happy.
People are important to me. My friends and family make me happy. They just do, and I don't want that to change. Yes, sometimes they make me happier than I make myself and I didn't think that that was okay. I thought I needed to be able to do it for myself as well as letting others do it for me. But now I don't think that's possible. I just can't be as happy on my own as I am when I'm with those who are closest to me, it's not possible but that's okay. The people in my life make my life, it's how it is. I've come to realise that this is okay and that it's natural to feel this way. I need people I love it my life and I'm glad I do.
"Nothing in the world is going to be the sole source of all your happiness...finding happiness and finding confidence is something that is an inner journey that takes a long time that probably most of us will never fully reach. I don't think that there is anyone who has ever lived who is 100% happy and confident at all times. It's a journey and you should never feel like you should have to retain happiness or retain confidence because it's a journey."
- Jaime Lyn Beatty [x]
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Taking time for myself
Yesterday I decided to take the day for myself. I'd been stressed about school work and whatnot the whole week and felt like my head was about to explode so I just decided that yesterday was a chill out day for me. It was a day to spend with myself, to help myself. It worked. I had a great day just relaxing and not having to do anything.
Today I had an urge to do a lot of things. So I did. I got things that need to be done done and I did some extra stuff. For once, it felt good. Usually I'm a lazy person, but today doing stuff felt right. It didn't feel like I had too much to think about and not enough brain space, which is a feeling I have experienced often this past week. It just felt good.
These were very different days but they were both good days.
Looking back on it now, the majority of both these days was spent doing things that I'd decided to do for me. Both days I was helping myself and motivating myself to just do what I felt like doing and to simply be me without other interference or having pressing jobs that simply had to be done by the end of the day. I was doing everything I did for me and no one else and it made me happy.
I think maybe I need more days like these. Days where I do things because it's what I want. After these two days I feel very relaxed and more peaceful with myself. I feel like this is what I needed. For the last week I've just felt as if my thoughts could not fit into my own head and it was exhausting, I couldn't think clearly and nothing was helping. But after these two days I feel good. My head feels clear and I feel good. Taking time for myself this weekend was the best decision I could possibly have made.
Today I had an urge to do a lot of things. So I did. I got things that need to be done done and I did some extra stuff. For once, it felt good. Usually I'm a lazy person, but today doing stuff felt right. It didn't feel like I had too much to think about and not enough brain space, which is a feeling I have experienced often this past week. It just felt good.
These were very different days but they were both good days.
Looking back on it now, the majority of both these days was spent doing things that I'd decided to do for me. Both days I was helping myself and motivating myself to just do what I felt like doing and to simply be me without other interference or having pressing jobs that simply had to be done by the end of the day. I was doing everything I did for me and no one else and it made me happy.
I think maybe I need more days like these. Days where I do things because it's what I want. After these two days I feel very relaxed and more peaceful with myself. I feel like this is what I needed. For the last week I've just felt as if my thoughts could not fit into my own head and it was exhausting, I couldn't think clearly and nothing was helping. But after these two days I feel good. My head feels clear and I feel good. Taking time for myself this weekend was the best decision I could possibly have made.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Confused feelings
Today, at a University open day I told my mum something that I have been thinking for quite a while now:
"I feel bad for having money."
This arose from hearing about the financial aspects and considerations that make up University life. I was stressing a little bit about the money I would need and how I would afford everything necessary in order to live away from home and buy everything that's needed. When talking to my mum about this, she calmed me down and told me about the money I would inherit when I turned 18 and that I would be eligible for loans from the government. Yes, this helped me to be a bit calmer about the costs of University but it also made me feel a bit bad. I know many people who aren't as fortunate with money as me and I know they'll struggle because everyone struggles with money at University.
I know I'm very lucky and I'm extremely thankful for it. But at the end of the day, the only reason I will be able to afford University comfortably is because my Dad died and left me with the money I'll need. This means that I'll be one of the lucky ones at University, I should (hopefully) be able to support myself with money from loans and everything else. But am I really lucky? I'll only be able to do this because my Dad died. I'd so much rather have my Dad than be able to pay for the costs of University fully. Yet I still feel lucky and
This is something I'm struggling with right now. Feeling guilty because I have money but then I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty because I only have it because of a death. I just can't really sort it out in my mind right now. I don't know how I feel or even how I should be feeling.
"I feel bad for having money."
This arose from hearing about the financial aspects and considerations that make up University life. I was stressing a little bit about the money I would need and how I would afford everything necessary in order to live away from home and buy everything that's needed. When talking to my mum about this, she calmed me down and told me about the money I would inherit when I turned 18 and that I would be eligible for loans from the government. Yes, this helped me to be a bit calmer about the costs of University but it also made me feel a bit bad. I know many people who aren't as fortunate with money as me and I know they'll struggle because everyone struggles with money at University.
I know I'm very lucky and I'm extremely thankful for it. But at the end of the day, the only reason I will be able to afford University comfortably is because my Dad died and left me with the money I'll need. This means that I'll be one of the lucky ones at University, I should (hopefully) be able to support myself with money from loans and everything else. But am I really lucky? I'll only be able to do this because my Dad died. I'd so much rather have my Dad than be able to pay for the costs of University fully. Yet I still feel lucky and
This is something I'm struggling with right now. Feeling guilty because I have money but then I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty because I only have it because of a death. I just can't really sort it out in my mind right now. I don't know how I feel or even how I should be feeling.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Sharing experiences
As humans we are always influenced by others, it seems to be an innate feature of the himan race. We are social creatures, people around us will always influence us. It's how we work. Sharing experiences is great, it helps everyone. Talking or hearing about an experience can give people strength, motivation and a lifeline during hard times. The people around us shape our lives so much and do so so easily. We are all dependent on other people.
But, at the same time, we are all our own person. We all have different lives, different experiences and different ways that we deal with them. No one person is the same as another. We might go through similar experiences but nothing we ever do will be identical to somebody else, we're individuals who have their own thoughts and their own opinions. We own our lives, our experiences are very personal.
But our differences in life can help others. Seeing that someone else does something a different way may inspire you to change, or it might confirm that you have it right and are doing what's write for you.
However, there is so much power in sharing experiences. You don't have to share your experience, you could keep it to yourself, keep it as something personal. That's fine if it's what you want. But I feel like sharing your thoughts, sharing what you've done and how you've got through something can be a great thing for everyone around you. Sharing an experience with someone can inspire them, it can help them in the way they need it the most or it can just simply make you feel better.
For me, telling someone about something I've done or been through is like therapy. It gets it out of my head and lets me organize my thoughts. Hearing about someone else's experiences inspires me. Knowing that they can do so much and be so strong helps me to strive to be better and to be stronger. Other people will go through different things to what you go through but hearing how they dealt with something gives me strength to know that I can do anything and I'll be alright. Other people are inspiring. You just have to open yourself up to it.
But, at the same time, we are all our own person. We all have different lives, different experiences and different ways that we deal with them. No one person is the same as another. We might go through similar experiences but nothing we ever do will be identical to somebody else, we're individuals who have their own thoughts and their own opinions. We own our lives, our experiences are very personal.
But our differences in life can help others. Seeing that someone else does something a different way may inspire you to change, or it might confirm that you have it right and are doing what's write for you.
However, there is so much power in sharing experiences. You don't have to share your experience, you could keep it to yourself, keep it as something personal. That's fine if it's what you want. But I feel like sharing your thoughts, sharing what you've done and how you've got through something can be a great thing for everyone around you. Sharing an experience with someone can inspire them, it can help them in the way they need it the most or it can just simply make you feel better.
For me, telling someone about something I've done or been through is like therapy. It gets it out of my head and lets me organize my thoughts. Hearing about someone else's experiences inspires me. Knowing that they can do so much and be so strong helps me to strive to be better and to be stronger. Other people will go through different things to what you go through but hearing how they dealt with something gives me strength to know that I can do anything and I'll be alright. Other people are inspiring. You just have to open yourself up to it.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Inspirational women
I just want to dedicate this post to all the amazing girls and women who inspire me every day.
I am so incredible lucky to know of and know some of the best, kindest and most inspirational women. They constantly help me through life without knowing it. Without some of the women I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am today. Recently, I've really come to love just how much other people are able to help you help yourself in some way. However, until recently I've only really noticed myself get inspired from afar, not directly by the people I consider friends. My perspective is shifting though, I've realised that your friends and the people you surround yourself with are just as inspirational and amazing as those you idolize.
I feel like one of the main reasons this has been something that has been on my mind recently is because I am opening myself up to it more. As part of my "mission" to improve myself etc. I have made more of an effort to be inspired. This has meant that I look for places to be inspired and so find them. Seek and ye shall find. That's something I've learnt through this realisation: the things I'm striving for are there, I just need to look for them. This has been on my mind recently when I've been talking to one of my friends a lot more. She's so strong and amazing, she can do so much and cares about so many people all at the same time. She's one of my close friends and is very similar to me, in other words my "twinny" but she inspires me so much. The way she handles everything, the advice she gives and the work she puts into what she loves reflects exactly how I want to be one day. I'm not too used to this, I'm not used to my friends inspiring me, I'm used to people I don't know inspiring me. That's great, but this gives me that extra bit of motivation, it shows me that I CAN do it because someone tangible, someone like me is doing everything and so I am shown that I can become who I want. Just knowing her has helped me more than I can ever express and I'm so lucky to be able to count her as a friend, thank you. You know who you are.
So many women have inspired me over time and each one of them have helped me become who I am today and are helping me become someone I need to be. Without ever really knowing it, people change us in amazing ways. I'm so lucky to be able to have access to these amazing women who have changed and will continue to change my life. People are important: cherish them.
I am so incredible lucky to know of and know some of the best, kindest and most inspirational women. They constantly help me through life without knowing it. Without some of the women I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am today. Recently, I've really come to love just how much other people are able to help you help yourself in some way. However, until recently I've only really noticed myself get inspired from afar, not directly by the people I consider friends. My perspective is shifting though, I've realised that your friends and the people you surround yourself with are just as inspirational and amazing as those you idolize.
I feel like one of the main reasons this has been something that has been on my mind recently is because I am opening myself up to it more. As part of my "mission" to improve myself etc. I have made more of an effort to be inspired. This has meant that I look for places to be inspired and so find them. Seek and ye shall find. That's something I've learnt through this realisation: the things I'm striving for are there, I just need to look for them. This has been on my mind recently when I've been talking to one of my friends a lot more. She's so strong and amazing, she can do so much and cares about so many people all at the same time. She's one of my close friends and is very similar to me, in other words my "twinny" but she inspires me so much. The way she handles everything, the advice she gives and the work she puts into what she loves reflects exactly how I want to be one day. I'm not too used to this, I'm not used to my friends inspiring me, I'm used to people I don't know inspiring me. That's great, but this gives me that extra bit of motivation, it shows me that I CAN do it because someone tangible, someone like me is doing everything and so I am shown that I can become who I want. Just knowing her has helped me more than I can ever express and I'm so lucky to be able to count her as a friend, thank you. You know who you are.
So many women have inspired me over time and each one of them have helped me become who I am today and are helping me become someone I need to be. Without ever really knowing it, people change us in amazing ways. I'm so lucky to be able to have access to these amazing women who have changed and will continue to change my life. People are important: cherish them.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
New Experiences
Tomorrow I am going to be meeting up with one of my best friends for the very first time. I've only ever talked to her through technology but I love her dearly and can not wait to finally be able to yell in her face with happiness! However, I'm also scared stiff. I'm taking on a completely new experience, going somewhere I've never gone before and meeting someone I've never met before. It's scary. Luckily my mum will be with me for 90% of my journey then I'll be with my friend for most of the day.
There was a time when a big portion of the journey would be done on my own but my mum stepped in and decided to help me get through it. I'm so thankful for that and I know that, if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't be nearly as happy going into tomorrow. Thank God for Mums!
But there will be a little time (literally 15 minutes) when I won't be with anyone, when I'll be travelling to our meeting place alone. This is totally new for me. I've never, ever gone on a new journey on my own, I've never traveled somewhere I've never been before, on completely alien transport alone. It's going to be completely new.
I think that is the part of the journey I am dreading the most. The fact that I will be totally independent, travelling somewhere new on my own for the first time ever. It's scary. But it's certainly not the first time I'm going to have to be totally independent in a new experience, it'll happen my whole life, I know it will and I look forward to having independence. But it doesn't stop it being scary.
This journey will be a big thing for me. The 15 minute bus ride isn't much but it's a lot for me, right now. It's the first bus ride I'll be taking on my own, without someone who's done it before or any prior knowledge of it.It's a big step for me: my first step into independence and I can't wait. But at the same time, I know that this first step will be hard and terrifying. To anyone else, it's probably nothing, but to me it's big. It's all relative.
Maybe that's what I need though, I need to do this because it's an important life skill. It's something that will help me with my next scary, unknown experience. It's something that I will always be able to draw from. This will be the first of many new experiences in my life time. Maybe it'll help me grow and make the next time I'm stepping into the unknown that little bit easier and more manageable.
There was a time when a big portion of the journey would be done on my own but my mum stepped in and decided to help me get through it. I'm so thankful for that and I know that, if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't be nearly as happy going into tomorrow. Thank God for Mums!
But there will be a little time (literally 15 minutes) when I won't be with anyone, when I'll be travelling to our meeting place alone. This is totally new for me. I've never, ever gone on a new journey on my own, I've never traveled somewhere I've never been before, on completely alien transport alone. It's going to be completely new.
I think that is the part of the journey I am dreading the most. The fact that I will be totally independent, travelling somewhere new on my own for the first time ever. It's scary. But it's certainly not the first time I'm going to have to be totally independent in a new experience, it'll happen my whole life, I know it will and I look forward to having independence. But it doesn't stop it being scary.
This journey will be a big thing for me. The 15 minute bus ride isn't much but it's a lot for me, right now. It's the first bus ride I'll be taking on my own, without someone who's done it before or any prior knowledge of it.It's a big step for me: my first step into independence and I can't wait. But at the same time, I know that this first step will be hard and terrifying. To anyone else, it's probably nothing, but to me it's big. It's all relative.
Maybe that's what I need though, I need to do this because it's an important life skill. It's something that will help me with my next scary, unknown experience. It's something that I will always be able to draw from. This will be the first of many new experiences in my life time. Maybe it'll help me grow and make the next time I'm stepping into the unknown that little bit easier and more manageable.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone
This blog is inspired by a line in this poem:
Ever since it was posted on Glow* this poem has basically been a big part of my life motto. I'm trying to help myself be more comfortable on my own at the moment and a lot of it has been due to and helped by this poem.
One of the things that I've really been working on right now is the art of letting myself go without technology. As most people my age, I'm often on my phone or plugged into my iPod, listening to music to keep me company. But this month I've started to let myself just be alone with me more. When I'm walking home I don't put my headphones in and let music keep me company: I keep myself company and let myself be enough. Listening to my own thoughts and the nature around me is enough on these walks. I don't get bored, as I would have done, because I've learnt to listen to myself. It feels good. My head gets so overcrowded at times, it's good to have those times when I'm travelling to my next task to just be with me.
Of course I still appreciate company when I have it, I've just learnt not to need company all the time. It's good and it's helping me become a better person, to know myself more and maybe start loving myself as I would a friend. Not being dependent on technology to keep me company is a big step in this journey and it feels good to be there.
One of the things that I've really been working on right now is the art of letting myself go without technology. As most people my age, I'm often on my phone or plugged into my iPod, listening to music to keep me company. But this month I've started to let myself just be alone with me more. When I'm walking home I don't put my headphones in and let music keep me company: I keep myself company and let myself be enough. Listening to my own thoughts and the nature around me is enough on these walks. I don't get bored, as I would have done, because I've learnt to listen to myself. It feels good. My head gets so overcrowded at times, it's good to have those times when I'm travelling to my next task to just be with me.
Of course I still appreciate company when I have it, I've just learnt not to need company all the time. It's good and it's helping me become a better person, to know myself more and maybe start loving myself as I would a friend. Not being dependent on technology to keep me company is a big step in this journey and it feels good to be there.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
On my own
This journey I've decided to go on seems to be one that can only be achieved through spending time on my own. I've never really been good at this before, despite being an only child I was never alone, I always had people around me, even if it was only my parents.
But this year, especially these past couple of weeks, I've had to learn how to be on my own more and how to be happy with that. It's a process, but I think it's a process that's good for me. Learning how to spend my frees in the library, working alone so that I can have some me time and am able to relax it home a bit more is good for me. I know there'll be a lot more of this needing to happen in the future and so learning to do it now is good.
This is also good for my learning how to love myself like a friend mission that I'm on right now. It's a way of forcing myself to spend time with myself when I'd usually previously be spending it with a friend. It's helping me become my own friend, helping me see myself that way. Being forced to spend time on my own isn't really making me feel lonely at the moment, it's helping me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and the people in my life. I love spending time with them when I can and I wish I saw them more. I just don't feel as lonely when it's not possible to spend time with them. I'm not to the point where I'm completely confident in spending time alone, but I'm on my way.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Learning to love myself
Something I've been hearing a lot about lately is how you have to be your own best friend and love yourself how you would love a friend. Up until recently this concept was completely foreign to me, it still kind of is in many ways.
I've always struggled with the concept of being nice to yourself and liking yourself. I do believe that everyone is beautiful and I know that me believing that means that I am beautiful as well, I just struggle to believe that I'm beautiful. It's quite a hypocritical thing to say if you think about it, I preach that every person on this earth is beautiful yet can't quite apply it to me. I feel like the main reason for this is that I kind of feel as if, if someone thinks they're beautiful, they're considered big headed. It's not okay in society to think that you are pretty, that you are perfect how you are. Liking your looks is just not okay with people.
I want to like myself and love my looks, it's just not enough. I just don't know how to love my looks. I don't think I'm hideous and ugly, I just don't particularly think I look good a lot of the time. I don't want to think like that, I just do and I'm not sure how to change it.
Being your own best friend is a concept that is definitely alien to me. I've always had people in my life, always. I've always had friends, even if I didn't appreciate that I did. I don't know what it's like to be completely alone. I know what it's like to feel lonely, sure, I've felt lonely countless times in my life but I've never felt truly alone. I am so, so lucky for this. But this has meant that I haven't ever been forced to be my own best friend, I've never needed to get to know myself because I've always had people to get to know who weren't me. Hopefully, I'll always have that but now I feel like I should also make an effort to get to know me, to love me as I would a friend. Maybe then, I'll learn to love myself and find myself beautiful.
I need to change the way I view myself before I can grow any more.
This is my new journey and I'm going to try to document it on here.
I've always struggled with the concept of being nice to yourself and liking yourself. I do believe that everyone is beautiful and I know that me believing that means that I am beautiful as well, I just struggle to believe that I'm beautiful. It's quite a hypocritical thing to say if you think about it, I preach that every person on this earth is beautiful yet can't quite apply it to me. I feel like the main reason for this is that I kind of feel as if, if someone thinks they're beautiful, they're considered big headed. It's not okay in society to think that you are pretty, that you are perfect how you are. Liking your looks is just not okay with people.
I want to like myself and love my looks, it's just not enough. I just don't know how to love my looks. I don't think I'm hideous and ugly, I just don't particularly think I look good a lot of the time. I don't want to think like that, I just do and I'm not sure how to change it.
Being your own best friend is a concept that is definitely alien to me. I've always had people in my life, always. I've always had friends, even if I didn't appreciate that I did. I don't know what it's like to be completely alone. I know what it's like to feel lonely, sure, I've felt lonely countless times in my life but I've never felt truly alone. I am so, so lucky for this. But this has meant that I haven't ever been forced to be my own best friend, I've never needed to get to know myself because I've always had people to get to know who weren't me. Hopefully, I'll always have that but now I feel like I should also make an effort to get to know me, to love me as I would a friend. Maybe then, I'll learn to love myself and find myself beautiful.
I need to change the way I view myself before I can grow any more.
This is my new journey and I'm going to try to document it on here.
Friday, 27 April 2012
Part of something
Suddenly, today I have just had this overwhelming urge to just be a part of a group. It isn't a very logical urge: I am part of quite a few groups of friends and I love them all dearly. I just feel disconnected to them right now.
But I hate this feeling. I love the people I surround myself with and wouldn't want to live without them, I just feel like I'm missing that close knit group who do so much together. I kind of feel like I almost have that right now, it's just that things just always get in the way.
But I hate this feeling. I love the people I surround myself with and wouldn't want to live without them, I just feel like I'm missing that close knit group who do so much together. I kind of feel like I almost have that right now, it's just that things just always get in the way.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Free time
Lately, I've been finding myself having less free time and realizing that this free time will steadily decrease as I get older. This wasn't a very pleasant thing to realize really. However, whilst I was realizing this, I also realized that I will still have some free time. There'll always be some time that I can have where I don't have anything that I need to do. There will probably be lots of things I want to do.
As part of this realization/changing in my life, I think I've learnt to tell the difference between what I want to do and what I need to do. I used to complain about not having any free time if I could hardly be on the internet in a day, or hardly watch tv or whatever. But now I'm trying to teach myself that those times when I've been with my friends all day aren't a loss of free time, they're just a different way of spending it. I've realized that I can go a day without tumblr or youtube and still be happy that I've had a good day because I've been with the people who are most special to me.
Sure, I'd love to have time to do everything I want, I'd love to be able to live like I don't have anything I need to do. But that's not possible, and it's not going to be possible much for a long time. So I have to appreciate and be thankful for all the free time I do have. I'm learning to know when I have time to spend on whatever I want and to spend it wisely.
As part of this realization/changing in my life, I think I've learnt to tell the difference between what I want to do and what I need to do. I used to complain about not having any free time if I could hardly be on the internet in a day, or hardly watch tv or whatever. But now I'm trying to teach myself that those times when I've been with my friends all day aren't a loss of free time, they're just a different way of spending it. I've realized that I can go a day without tumblr or youtube and still be happy that I've had a good day because I've been with the people who are most special to me.
Sure, I'd love to have time to do everything I want, I'd love to be able to live like I don't have anything I need to do. But that's not possible, and it's not going to be possible much for a long time. So I have to appreciate and be thankful for all the free time I do have. I'm learning to know when I have time to spend on whatever I want and to spend it wisely.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
"Loneliness is state of mind"
This is something I've been thinking about a lot for a while now. I guess what started this is the quote I've used as the title, taken from Julia Albain's book. Something ignited the spark again was someone telling me "apparently, everyone in the world can be connected by a web of 7 people".
These quotes have become forever linked in my mind. I can truly believe that every person in the world can be connected by just a few people. Think about how many people we see on a daily basis? Whenever you leave your house you see new people, if only for a few seconds. In those seconds they are part of your life and you are a part of theirs. You might never see them again, you might see them often and develop a relationship. Either way, they've been part of your life for those few, fleeting seconds you've shared a present.
Thinking like this, it's easy to see how many different people you must be connected to in some way, however small. You touch so many lives, it is impossible to be truly alone in this world. Our lives are so perfectly interlinked with so many other people that there is no way you can ever be truly, truly alone.
It's so easy to feel alone, though. I've felt it many times. When you don't believe you're being noticed, or when you don't think anyone cares about you. But something will drag you out of this, something or someone will help you. Life's not easy, but always try to believe that you are not alone. You are connected to so many people, and you'll find it out on your way through.
These quotes have become forever linked in my mind. I can truly believe that every person in the world can be connected by just a few people. Think about how many people we see on a daily basis? Whenever you leave your house you see new people, if only for a few seconds. In those seconds they are part of your life and you are a part of theirs. You might never see them again, you might see them often and develop a relationship. Either way, they've been part of your life for those few, fleeting seconds you've shared a present.
Thinking like this, it's easy to see how many different people you must be connected to in some way, however small. You touch so many lives, it is impossible to be truly alone in this world. Our lives are so perfectly interlinked with so many other people that there is no way you can ever be truly, truly alone.
It's so easy to feel alone, though. I've felt it many times. When you don't believe you're being noticed, or when you don't think anyone cares about you. But something will drag you out of this, something or someone will help you. Life's not easy, but always try to believe that you are not alone. You are connected to so many people, and you'll find it out on your way through.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Apparently I have opinions about divorce
By the time we're old, I wonder how many people will be celebrating their 60 something anniversary, I wonder how many people will have stayed together for a long time. How many people will have married, divorced and married again? I hope there are still a lot of people who have been together for a very long time, I hope I get to experience someone my age celebrating a diamond wedding anniversary and them still being an amazing couple who are just right.
The way things are heading, this seems unlikely. So many people are divorcing, remarrying and sometimes divorcing again. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; if you aren't happy with your partner and there's something that means it's impossible to carry on with them then divorce and remarriage is probably what's best. However, people nowadays seem to give up on marriage too easily. I don't think a lot of people try. I know some people have the view that you can always get divorced if marriage doesn't work out. While that is true, you shouldn't go into a marriage thinking that. You should go into a marriage thinking that you want to be with this person forever, no matter what. Things are far too rushed, far too easy to get out of at the moment.
These thoughts stemmed from a post I saw on tumblr..
"A reporter asked a couple: "how did you manage to stay together for 65 years?£
The woman replied, "we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away""
I think we need more of that thinking in society, in my opinion, society would be a lot better if we did.
I'm not saying you should never get divorced: of course there are many times when divorce is the only option. But divorce should be a last resort, not a simple solution.
The way things are heading, this seems unlikely. So many people are divorcing, remarrying and sometimes divorcing again. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; if you aren't happy with your partner and there's something that means it's impossible to carry on with them then divorce and remarriage is probably what's best. However, people nowadays seem to give up on marriage too easily. I don't think a lot of people try. I know some people have the view that you can always get divorced if marriage doesn't work out. While that is true, you shouldn't go into a marriage thinking that. You should go into a marriage thinking that you want to be with this person forever, no matter what. Things are far too rushed, far too easy to get out of at the moment.
These thoughts stemmed from a post I saw on tumblr..
"A reporter asked a couple: "how did you manage to stay together for 65 years?£
The woman replied, "we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away""
I think we need more of that thinking in society, in my opinion, society would be a lot better if we did.
I'm not saying you should never get divorced: of course there are many times when divorce is the only option. But divorce should be a last resort, not a simple solution.
Monday, 12 March 2012
My very own love story
So this is going to be a bit of a sappy one, but it's something I want to get out, just to have it here for safekeeping.
WARNING: this is going to be sappy and it's really only for one person's benefit so don't feel like you have to read it or anything. It's going to be a lot more autobiographical than a lot of things I've put on here recently.
So, as a lot of you probably know, I got a boyfriend not so long a go (3 months a go exactly if we're being exact). I haven't really shared "my story" with anyone at all really so, here goes. The amazing, sweet boy in question is someone I've known for a very long time. We essentially grew up together, drifting in and out of each other's lives, but always maintaining some form of contact throughout the years. As long as I can remember, he's been a friend.
A couple of years a go, things started to change a bit. We became closer than we ever had before, simply because we ran in the same friendship circles. Soon, he was one of my best friends: one of the few who remained from a big group I once had. I couldn't have been happier with my friendship group and my social life at that time. Several times during that time I thought about him differently, but every time I did I suppressed it as just hopefulness, I thought I was just convincing myself that something false was true, a crime I have committed many times before. We carried on, as we were until we started college in September. He moved to a different area that was still close by but meant that we got the same bus. This brought us even closer together and something definitely started to change. I can't pinpoint the exact time it did, but as we got closer my feelings started to change. After quite a while, he told me his true feelings and I knew what I wanted. So, after about a month of kind of dating but not really, he asked me out and we fell in love.
Suddenly, I understood the loved up songs. Every song became about him, he was all I could thing of and I knew this thing would last. So far, it has lasted. I know the likelihood of it lasting as long as I want it to is pretty slim, but stranger things have happened and I have hope.In short, this is my very own "epic love story". It might not seem much, but the past three months have been the best time of my life so far and I don't want anything to change. He makes everything better by just being there, I don't know what I'd do without him. I just hope I can offer half as much support as he gives me.
This post was overdue and probably didn't say everything I want it to, but there you go.
WARNING: this is going to be sappy and it's really only for one person's benefit so don't feel like you have to read it or anything. It's going to be a lot more autobiographical than a lot of things I've put on here recently.
So, as a lot of you probably know, I got a boyfriend not so long a go (3 months a go exactly if we're being exact). I haven't really shared "my story" with anyone at all really so, here goes. The amazing, sweet boy in question is someone I've known for a very long time. We essentially grew up together, drifting in and out of each other's lives, but always maintaining some form of contact throughout the years. As long as I can remember, he's been a friend.
A couple of years a go, things started to change a bit. We became closer than we ever had before, simply because we ran in the same friendship circles. Soon, he was one of my best friends: one of the few who remained from a big group I once had. I couldn't have been happier with my friendship group and my social life at that time. Several times during that time I thought about him differently, but every time I did I suppressed it as just hopefulness, I thought I was just convincing myself that something false was true, a crime I have committed many times before. We carried on, as we were until we started college in September. He moved to a different area that was still close by but meant that we got the same bus. This brought us even closer together and something definitely started to change. I can't pinpoint the exact time it did, but as we got closer my feelings started to change. After quite a while, he told me his true feelings and I knew what I wanted. So, after about a month of kind of dating but not really, he asked me out and we fell in love.
Suddenly, I understood the loved up songs. Every song became about him, he was all I could thing of and I knew this thing would last. So far, it has lasted. I know the likelihood of it lasting as long as I want it to is pretty slim, but stranger things have happened and I have hope.In short, this is my very own "epic love story". It might not seem much, but the past three months have been the best time of my life so far and I don't want anything to change. He makes everything better by just being there, I don't know what I'd do without him. I just hope I can offer half as much support as he gives me.
This post was overdue and probably didn't say everything I want it to, but there you go.
Friday, 9 March 2012
The future
So, long time no post. There is a good reason for this: until yesterday we had had no internet for over three weeks. So sorry for the irregular posting, but I'm going to try to improve now!
Lately, and especially this week the subject of growing up has been thrust upon me in a way. For a while we have been talking a lot about university at school and this week it was reinforced further. We had a trip to a UCAS convention where we could find out more about universities and we got our results from the recent exams. This was all stressful and hard and forced everyone to think about their futures and what is coming next.
I'm preparing for university, organising myself with open days and doing my research. I've been told I'm being very mature with it, but in my opinion I'm just doing what I need to do; being sensible. Our head of year told us that you're either really excited to go to university and are doing your research and getting ready or you're scared and holding back, not really preparing yourself. My response to that: I'm both! I'm preparing myself and getting ready, doing my research and everything that needs doing but and the same time I'm dreading it. I'm scared. I'm so scared about what's going to happen when I get there, how I'm going to fit in and, most importantly, how I'm going to keep surrounding myself with the amazing people who are in my life now when we all go off to different parts of the country.
I have such a wonderful group of friends right now. I've known them for different amounts of time but I can't imagine my life without any one of the people in it right now. I don't know what it'll be like not being in the same place as these people everyday. I'm terrified of leaving and drifting away from my friends. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch with my friends but I know people drift apart, I know the likelihood of having these people in my life all the time but it doesn't stop me hoping that we'll stay in touch at least. I'm worried about leaving home. I know I want to move out, become independent and get the experience of controlling my own life. But at the same time, I don't want to leave this town I grew up in; these people I've known all my life and my mum on her own. I know it has to be done, I just don't want it to be done.
Leaving is going to be scary and emotional but I know it has to be done. I know university will turn out to be great and I'll probably have the best time of my life there. But it doesn't stop the worries. I am a worrier by nature. I know that. These worries are coming early: I have over a year until I'm off to university. But they still bother me: it's the kind of person I am. Some days these worries dominate, other days they're not so important to me. But they're always there. I think they'll be there until I'm out of here. I just need to stop letting them get at me as much. Start living the moment and looking at the positives more than I look and the negatives. Maybe I need a complete attitude change about what is to come. But whatever happens, it's scary and I'm a worrier. I think I just need to learn to not let the worrier take over and relax a little bit.
Lately, and especially this week the subject of growing up has been thrust upon me in a way. For a while we have been talking a lot about university at school and this week it was reinforced further. We had a trip to a UCAS convention where we could find out more about universities and we got our results from the recent exams. This was all stressful and hard and forced everyone to think about their futures and what is coming next.
I'm preparing for university, organising myself with open days and doing my research. I've been told I'm being very mature with it, but in my opinion I'm just doing what I need to do; being sensible. Our head of year told us that you're either really excited to go to university and are doing your research and getting ready or you're scared and holding back, not really preparing yourself. My response to that: I'm both! I'm preparing myself and getting ready, doing my research and everything that needs doing but and the same time I'm dreading it. I'm scared. I'm so scared about what's going to happen when I get there, how I'm going to fit in and, most importantly, how I'm going to keep surrounding myself with the amazing people who are in my life now when we all go off to different parts of the country.
I have such a wonderful group of friends right now. I've known them for different amounts of time but I can't imagine my life without any one of the people in it right now. I don't know what it'll be like not being in the same place as these people everyday. I'm terrified of leaving and drifting away from my friends. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch with my friends but I know people drift apart, I know the likelihood of having these people in my life all the time but it doesn't stop me hoping that we'll stay in touch at least. I'm worried about leaving home. I know I want to move out, become independent and get the experience of controlling my own life. But at the same time, I don't want to leave this town I grew up in; these people I've known all my life and my mum on her own. I know it has to be done, I just don't want it to be done.
Leaving is going to be scary and emotional but I know it has to be done. I know university will turn out to be great and I'll probably have the best time of my life there. But it doesn't stop the worries. I am a worrier by nature. I know that. These worries are coming early: I have over a year until I'm off to university. But they still bother me: it's the kind of person I am. Some days these worries dominate, other days they're not so important to me. But they're always there. I think they'll be there until I'm out of here. I just need to stop letting them get at me as much. Start living the moment and looking at the positives more than I look and the negatives. Maybe I need a complete attitude change about what is to come. But whatever happens, it's scary and I'm a worrier. I think I just need to learn to not let the worrier take over and relax a little bit.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Indecision
Last night, I was talking to my best friend. I haven't properly talked to her in a while and it was nice. We didn't have a very long conversation, but talking to her about anything and everything, as I know I always can felt good.
Me and my friend are quite different from each other, we like the same things but have different opinions, different personalities, as people do. At one point in our conversation, she said to me "you're so lucky" and told me why she thought so. She's right. I am lucky right now. My life is good and I know it, I'm so unbelievably grateful for it. One of the reasons she said this is that I have a clear path in my head for my life, I have a career that I'm heading towards, that I know I'll enjoy whereas she is unsure of what she wants to do.
This is a good thing for many reasons: it's easier to plan for; I have something solid to work towards and I can see a place where I'll be doing exactly what I want to be doing. However, there is still some element of indecision in my mind. I know what I want to do but, at the same time there are so many other things I'd love to spend my life doing. I love writing and creating worlds that are mine, sharing my thought. I love helping people, talking through any problems they may have and trying to help them solve them. I love organizing things, I'd love to be working backstage on plays.
But I'm not planning to go into writing, therapy or theatre in university. I'm planning to go into teaching children with special needs. I want to do this because I love it. No other reason. Just because I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing the other things. Maybe the only reason I'm choosing to do an Education course is because it is the only one I can see leading to a stable, relatively easy to get into career. Writing is hard, I don't get ideas very often and when I do, it takes time for me to get them down. As much as I love talking to people who need help over the internet and trying to help them that way, I'm not very good with talking face to face. I want to help people with their problems but am not very good at putting that want into practice. I can't act, or draw, or sing. The only creative thing that I am decent at is writing. If I went into theatre I'd need to be directing or organizing everything backstage and, from what I've heard, it's best to act or have another talent in that field in order to do those things.
So I don't choose being a writer, therapist or actor/backstage person. I choose being a teacher to children with special needs. I know I love it. I know that I can do it. But there's always that feeling there that I could be equally as happy doing something else. I could lead just as fulfilling life, maybe a more fulfilling life doing something else. But I've chosen. I've chosen the one that I've thought about most, that I discovered first. I've done this, partly because it's easiest, partly because it's the one I think I'll enjoy most.
I guess no one can ever be certain of what they want all of the time. In a way I envy those who are unsure. They could do anything, they still have so many options to explore. It's scary but exciting and life will surprise you more. I plan to continue writing for as long as I enjoy it, to continue trying to help people as much as possible and continue to organize things for my friends because it makes me happy.
I plan to live by these words of AJ Holmes:
"As long as you keep those multiple plates balancing you never get too bored"
Me and my friend are quite different from each other, we like the same things but have different opinions, different personalities, as people do. At one point in our conversation, she said to me "you're so lucky" and told me why she thought so. She's right. I am lucky right now. My life is good and I know it, I'm so unbelievably grateful for it. One of the reasons she said this is that I have a clear path in my head for my life, I have a career that I'm heading towards, that I know I'll enjoy whereas she is unsure of what she wants to do.
This is a good thing for many reasons: it's easier to plan for; I have something solid to work towards and I can see a place where I'll be doing exactly what I want to be doing. However, there is still some element of indecision in my mind. I know what I want to do but, at the same time there are so many other things I'd love to spend my life doing. I love writing and creating worlds that are mine, sharing my thought. I love helping people, talking through any problems they may have and trying to help them solve them. I love organizing things, I'd love to be working backstage on plays.
But I'm not planning to go into writing, therapy or theatre in university. I'm planning to go into teaching children with special needs. I want to do this because I love it. No other reason. Just because I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing the other things. Maybe the only reason I'm choosing to do an Education course is because it is the only one I can see leading to a stable, relatively easy to get into career. Writing is hard, I don't get ideas very often and when I do, it takes time for me to get them down. As much as I love talking to people who need help over the internet and trying to help them that way, I'm not very good with talking face to face. I want to help people with their problems but am not very good at putting that want into practice. I can't act, or draw, or sing. The only creative thing that I am decent at is writing. If I went into theatre I'd need to be directing or organizing everything backstage and, from what I've heard, it's best to act or have another talent in that field in order to do those things.
So I don't choose being a writer, therapist or actor/backstage person. I choose being a teacher to children with special needs. I know I love it. I know that I can do it. But there's always that feeling there that I could be equally as happy doing something else. I could lead just as fulfilling life, maybe a more fulfilling life doing something else. But I've chosen. I've chosen the one that I've thought about most, that I discovered first. I've done this, partly because it's easiest, partly because it's the one I think I'll enjoy most.
I guess no one can ever be certain of what they want all of the time. In a way I envy those who are unsure. They could do anything, they still have so many options to explore. It's scary but exciting and life will surprise you more. I plan to continue writing for as long as I enjoy it, to continue trying to help people as much as possible and continue to organize things for my friends because it makes me happy.
I plan to live by these words of AJ Holmes:
"As long as you keep those multiple plates balancing you never get too bored"
Monday, 19 December 2011
It's that time of year
Christmas time is great. It's cheerful and happy and a time when you can snuggle up inside and have fun. But it's always kind of depressing for me. As I'm sure it is for many other people.
If you don't know my dad died in early January 2007. Over Christmas time 2006 he was very ill and we knew he was going to die soon. Fortunately, he could come home for Christmas day and we had a great day with family, just how Christmas should be.
But ever since then Christmas has been a bit bitter sweet for me. There's always the reminder of that last Christmas my dad was here, the last time he was at home. Naturally it's got easier over the years and I think about my dad every day but it'll never be easy at Christmas. There'll always be a bit of sadness in me over this time of the year.
Maybe that's good. Maybe it helps me appreciate the good times I have and it helps me to see how lucky I am. Maybe Christmas is a time for remembrance and being a bit sad.
I do know that I want to do something with this experience. I've known it for years. I don't know how and I don't know what. I just know that I want to help others who are in the same situation as I was. At this time in my life I didn't have anyone who was my age who was willing to talk to me about what was happening, who understood a little bit of what I was going through. I want to give that to other people. The only problem is that I don't know how to do that. I know I want to do it and have known for years, I just don't know what format to do it in. Also, I don't think I have time to do it right now. My willingness is there, I just don't know if it is possible or if I can physically do it.
Maybe it's something I'll do one day. Maybe it's something that will happen when it is meant to. Maybe I'll never get round to it. Hopefully it'll happen someday.
If you don't know my dad died in early January 2007. Over Christmas time 2006 he was very ill and we knew he was going to die soon. Fortunately, he could come home for Christmas day and we had a great day with family, just how Christmas should be.
But ever since then Christmas has been a bit bitter sweet for me. There's always the reminder of that last Christmas my dad was here, the last time he was at home. Naturally it's got easier over the years and I think about my dad every day but it'll never be easy at Christmas. There'll always be a bit of sadness in me over this time of the year.
Maybe that's good. Maybe it helps me appreciate the good times I have and it helps me to see how lucky I am. Maybe Christmas is a time for remembrance and being a bit sad.
I do know that I want to do something with this experience. I've known it for years. I don't know how and I don't know what. I just know that I want to help others who are in the same situation as I was. At this time in my life I didn't have anyone who was my age who was willing to talk to me about what was happening, who understood a little bit of what I was going through. I want to give that to other people. The only problem is that I don't know how to do that. I know I want to do it and have known for years, I just don't know what format to do it in. Also, I don't think I have time to do it right now. My willingness is there, I just don't know if it is possible or if I can physically do it.
Maybe it's something I'll do one day. Maybe it's something that will happen when it is meant to. Maybe I'll never get round to it. Hopefully it'll happen someday.
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